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YEStalk Discussion Forums • View topic - Jokes.

Jokes.



Jokes.

Postby doogee » Wed Jun 30, 2004 11:04 pm





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LMFAO!!!!

Postby Squire*Fan725 » Thu Jul 01, 2004 3:52 am



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THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Postby doogee » Fri Jul 02, 2004 6:59 pm




Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig
is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't
the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that
you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a
bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you
call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps
you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a
play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have
noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while
quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as
hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a
sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone
who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all
those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I
start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it. ;) :p :D

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Speak to me of English...

Postby Roan's Lady » Fri Jul 02, 2004 10:21 pm

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Postby doogee » Sat Jul 03, 2004 4:30 pm

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THAT'S AMORE

Postby doogee » Sat Jul 03, 2004 5:28 pm

When the moon hits your eye,
Like a big pizza pie,
That's amore. :icon_luvu

When an eel bites your hand,
And that's not what you planned,
That's a moray. :rolleyes:

When your horse munches straw,
And the bales total four,
That's some more hay. :p

When a Japanese knight,
Uses his sword in a fight,
That's Samurai. :confused:

When your sheep go to graze,
In a damp marshy place,
That's a moor, eh? :icon_wink

When your boat comes home fine,
And you tie up her line,
That's a mooring. :icon_blus

When you ace your last tests,
Like you did all the rest,
That's some more "A"s! :icon_appr

When on Mt. Cook you see,
An aborigine,
That's a Maori. Image

When you've had quite enough,
Of this dumb rhyming stuff,
That's "No more!", eh? :D
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Postby Independently Whole » Sun Jul 04, 2004 2:57 am

There was a young man named Perkins
Who was extremely fond of small gherkins
One day at tea
He ate forty-three
And pickled his internal workin's
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GREAT NEWS ! Learn Korean in 5 minutes.

Postby doogee » Mon Jul 05, 2004 4:36 pm

JUST READ ALOUD THE FOLLOWING PHRASES

1.THATS NOT RIGHT.............SUM TING WONG
2.ARE YOU HARBOURING A FUGITIVE?...HU YU HAI DING
3.SEE ME ASAP.......KUM HEA
4. STUPID MAN....DUM GAI
5.SMALL HORSE....TAI NI PO NI
6.DID YOU GO TO THE BEACH?....WAI YU SO TAN
7.I BUMPED THE COFFEE TABLE....AI BANG MAI NEE
8.I THINK YOU NEED A FACE LIFT...CHIN TU FAT
9.ITS VERY DARK IN HERE.....WAO SO DIM
10. I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON A DIET...WAI YU MUN CHING
11. THIS IS A TOW AWAY ZONE..NO PAH KING
12.OUR MEETING IS SCHEDULED FOR NEXT WEEK.....WAI YU KUM NAO (APPLIES TO OTHER SITUATIONS?)
13.STAYING OUT OF SIGHT...LEI YING LO
14. HES CLEANING HIS AUTOMOBILE....WA SHING KA
15. YOUR BODY ODOUR IS OFFENSIVE....YU STIN KI PU
16. GREAT....FA KIN SU PAH :D
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Postby Roan's Lady » Mon Jul 05, 2004 9:13 pm

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Postby wild_westie » Mon Jul 05, 2004 10:23 pm

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Tales From The Shire

Postby Squire*Fan725 » Wed Jul 07, 2004 3:03 am

<TABLE id=Table2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width=328 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=body vAlign=top colSpan=3></TD></TR><TR><TD class=body vAlign=top colSpan=3>


</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
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The bear and the rabbit

Postby Squire*Fan725 » Wed Jul 07, 2004 3:20 am

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</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
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Heaven's New Policy

Postby Squire*Fan725 » Wed Jul 07, 2004 3:28 am

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</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
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Love the heaven one Dahni.

Postby doogee » Thu Jul 08, 2004 11:16 pm

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Because i'm a guy.

Postby doogee » Thu Jul 08, 2004 11:57 pm

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart -- despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- how the heck could HE know where we're going?

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. If you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the new millenium, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and the dishes. I'll do the rest. :D

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This is so true.

Postby doogee » Tue Jul 13, 2004 7:25 pm












































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Those Were The Good Old Days!

Postby Roan's Lady » Tue Jul 13, 2004 9:11 pm



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Stages of success.

Postby doogee » Fri Jul 16, 2004 1:57 pm

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Disorder in the court

Postby doogee » Fri Jul 16, 2004 2:47 pm























































































































































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A groaner.

Postby doogee » Sat Jul 17, 2004 7:03 pm


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Zen thoughts.

Postby doogee » Sat Jul 17, 2004 7:54 pm








































































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Size Matters

Postby Roan's Lady » Sat Jul 17, 2004 9:24 pm

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This is a true story!

Postby topographic_drama1980 » Mon Jul 19, 2004 5:44 am

Last week, it was late at night and I went across the street from our house to a laundromat to get two bottles of soda from the soda machine. I got one for my fiancee first and I tried to get one for me, but it didn't have the one I wanted so I went back across the street to the car wash's machine and they had the soda but I didn't have enough money so I decided to walk back over to the laundromat to get a different soda and a cop pulled up asks "You trying to get a soda?" I said "Nope. I was just going over to ask the machine out but it turned me down." HERE'S YOUR SIGN!!!!
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Postby topographic_drama1980 » Mon Jul 19, 2004 5:47 am

Actually, the cop gave me a quarter, because that's what I needed anyway, and he asked me for my information (address, phone number, etc.) because someone had robbed that very same car wash the night before. So, he payed me a quarter in exchange for my information, just in case he would try to send me a bill for the quarter!
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Sex is good for you.

Postby doogee » Mon Jul 19, 2004 8:30 pm

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women
make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which
makes hair shine and skin smooth.
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Some amusing trivia.

Postby doogee » Mon Jul 19, 2004 8:41 pm
















































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Postby fragilesi » Tue Jul 20, 2004 9:39 pm

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Postby fragilesi » Tue Jul 20, 2004 9:47 pm

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COURSES FOR WOMEN.

Postby doogee » Thu Jul 22, 2004 4:51 pm

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MANPOWER

Postby doogee » Mon Jul 26, 2004 10:48 pm



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