Jokes.



Postby doogee » Tue Dec 05, 2006 12:00 am

THEN... AND NOW...

SCENARIO: JACK PULLS INTO SCHOOL PARKING LOT WITH RIFLE IN GUN RACK.
1963 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

SCENARIO: JOHNNY AND MARK GET INTO A FIST FIGHT AFTER SCHOOL.
1963 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

SCENARIO: LITTLE JEFFREY WON'T BE STILL IN CLASS, DISRUPTS OTHER STUDENTS.
1963 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

SCENARIO: BILLY BREAKS A WINDOW IN HIS FATHER'S CAR AND HIS DAD GIVES HIM A WHIPPING.
1963 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

SCENARIO: MARK GETS A HEADACHE AND TAKES SOME HEADACHE MEDICINE TO SCHOOL.
1963 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

SCENARIO: MARY TURNS UP PREGNANT.
1963 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.
2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.

SCENARIO: PEDRO FAILS HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH.
1963: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by ultra-liberals. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.

SCENARIO: JOHNNY TAKES APART LEFTOVER FIRECRACKERS FROM THE 4TH OF JULY, PUTS THEM IN A MODEL AIRPLANE PAINT BOTTLE, BLOWS UP A RED ANT BED.
1963 - Ants die.
2006 - ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

SCENARIO: JOHNNY FALLS WHILE RUNNING DURING RECESS AND SCRAPES HIS KNEE. HE IS FOUND CRYING BY HIS TEACHER, MARY, WHO HUGS JOHNNY TO COMFORT HIM.
1963 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.

And this is what they call progress?
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Postby doogee » Tue Dec 12, 2006 12:13 am

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a
harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting
friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the
master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You
three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in
a way corresponding to your profession."
The Sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
"I'm a cop", says the first man.
"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the Sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a firemen", said the second man.
"Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
And the third man answered, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
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Postby Chris2210 » Tue Dec 12, 2006 1:51 pm

doogee wrote:THEN... AND NOW...


Amazing isn't it? The only thing that's the same now as then is the belief in how much better things were 40 years ago. They had all sorts of things back then we don't have now: diptheria, whooping cough, polio, ricketts...
I used to be agnostic. These days I'm not so sure.
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Postby doogee » Tue Dec 26, 2006 12:03 am

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed. "Write that down, Mary," said Joseph. "It's better than 'Derek'."
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Postby doogee » Tue Dec 26, 2006 12:04 am

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter looked with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?" The man replied, "They're Carols!"
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Postby doogee » Tue Dec 26, 2006 12:05 am

A man in Perth phones his son in Sydney the day before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing - forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Perth immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME!?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife "Okay", he says "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."
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Postby doogee » Tue Jan 23, 2007 12:46 am

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a
confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed
with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a
second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are
you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service
to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone
and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn
hole."
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Postby doogee » Sat Jan 27, 2007 11:06 pm

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
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Postby doogee » Mon Jan 29, 2007 11:42 pm

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the FATHER. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour if it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband will still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her Husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.
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Postby doogee » Mon Feb 12, 2007 11:42 pm

There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.
Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But - The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptised the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
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Postby doogee » Tue Feb 20, 2007 1:06 am

"Hello?" "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul..." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
Another brief pause then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
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Postby doogee » Wed Feb 28, 2007 1:54 am

[LEFT]Two married pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting in a cafe, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind." "Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well", said the little old man, "for old time's sake, let's go there again, and I'll give you one from behind."
Without them knowing, the young man sitting next to them had overheard the conversation and smiled to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it.
He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, the little old lady reaches for the fence. What follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the young man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second.
Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
The young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this - not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years time!"
By this time the two old pensioners have recovered and dressed themselves.
Plucking up courage, the young man approaches the pensioners. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?" The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified!"[/LEFT]
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Postby tardistraveler » Sat Mar 03, 2007 12:34 am

Doogee, you always manage to find some hysterical ones! Thanks for posting - gave me a good diversion this afternoon . . . :)
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Postby doogee » Thu Mar 15, 2007 2:28 am

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot over to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man.
The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 8 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, an M5 BMW, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Please just send the bottle back."
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Postby doogee » Thu Mar 15, 2007 2:32 am

My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out,

What used to be my sex appeal, Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord, From my trousers it would spring,

But now I've got a full-time job, To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing, The way it would behave,

For every single morning, It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches, It sure gives me the blues,

To see it hang its little head, And watch me tie my shoes!
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Postby doogee » Mon Mar 26, 2007 10:06 pm

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. Then the woman's husband also comes home. Panicked, she puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have a football."
Man "That's nice."
Boy "Want to buy it?"
Man "No, thanks."
Boy "My dad's outside."
Man "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy "Dark in here."
Man "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy "$750"
Man "Sold."
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of footy. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father says, "What?! Why?! How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. You're going to church to confess!"
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".
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Postby Tomfoolery » Wed Mar 28, 2007 1:44 pm

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter "Candy".

He turned to the second Mom, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, "Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, "Brandy".

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving.""
"The word is love and the time is now, and it's right for me"
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Postby doogee » Mon Jun 04, 2007 10:57 pm

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed... I found Cod and now I'm a Prawn again Christian."
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Postby doogee » Mon Jun 18, 2007 10:39 pm

<table class="MsoNormalTable" style="width: 100%;" border="0" cellpadding="0" width="100%"> <tbody> <tr style=""> <td style="padding: 0.75pt; width: 99.58%;" colspan="2" width="99%"> [color=blue][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]Actual call centre conversations !!!!![/color][/font][/B][font=Arial][/font][color=blue][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
> Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
> Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
> Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
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Samsung Electronics
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> Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
> Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
> Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
[/color]
[/font][/B] <U1:P></U1:P><o :p ></o :p >
> [color=red][font='Comic Sans MS'][B] telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
> Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
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RAC Motoring Services
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> Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in
[/color]
[/font][/B]<st1:country-region><st1 :p lace>[color=fuchsia][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]Australia[/color][/font][/B]</st1 :p lace></st1:country-region>[color=fuchsia][font='Comic Sans MS'][B] ?"
> Operator: " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
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>
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> Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in
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[/font][/B]<st1:country-region><st1 :p lace>[color=blue][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]France[/color][/font][/B]</st1 :p lace></st1:country-region>[color=blue][font='Comic Sans MS'][B] ):
> "If I register my car in
[/color]
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> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
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Directory Enquiries
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[/font][/B][color=#339966][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]
> Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in
[/color]
[/font][/B]<st1:City><st1 :p lace>[color=#339966][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]Cardiff[/color][/font][/B]</st1 :p lace></st1:City>[color=#339966][font='Comic Sans MS'][B] please".
> Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
> Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
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> Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
> Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
> Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in
[/color]
[/font][/B]<st1:country-region><st1 :p lace>[color=#993366][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]Scotland[/color][/font][/B]</st1 :p lace></st1:country-region>[color=blue]".
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
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> On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
> "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
[/color]
[/font][/B][color=blue]
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
[/color]
[color=fuchsia][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]
> Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
> Customer: "OK".
> Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
> Customer: "No".
> Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
> Customer: "No".
> Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
> Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
[/color]
[/font][/B][color=blue][font='Comic Sans MS']
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
[/color]
[/font][font=Arial]
>
[/font][color=#333399][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]
> Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
> Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
[/color]
[/font][/B][color=blue][font='Comic Sans MS']
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
[/color]
[/font][font=Arial][B]
>
[/font][/B][color=#FF6600][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]
> Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
[/color]
[/font][/B][color=blue][font='Comic Sans MS']
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
[/color]
[/font][color=navy][font='Comic Sans MS']----------------------------------[/color][/font][font=Arial][B]
>
[/font][/B][color=#333333][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]
> There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
> Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
>
> Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
> Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
> Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
> Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
> Operator: "Went away?"
> Caller: "They disappeared."
> Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
> Caller: "Nothing."
> Operator: "Nothing??"
> Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
> Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
> Caller: "How do I tell?"
> Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
> Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
> Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
> Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
> Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
> Caller: "What's a monitor?"
> Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
> Caller: "I don't know."
> Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
> Caller: "Yes, I think so."
> Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
> Caller: "Yes, it is."
> Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
> Caller: "No."
> Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
> Caller: "Okay, here it is."
> Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
> Caller: "I can't reach."
> Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
> Caller: "No."
> Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
> Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
> Operator: "Dark??"
> Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window"
> Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
> Caller: "I can't."
> Operator: "No? Why not??"
> Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
> Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
[/color]
[/font][/B]<o :p ></o :p >
<U1:P></U1:P>> [color=#333333][font='Comic Sans MS'][B] Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"[/color][/font][/B] <U1:P></U1:P><o :p ></o :p >
> [color=#333333][B]Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
> Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store
[/color]
[/B] <U1:P></U1:P><o :p ></o :p >
> [color=#333333][font='Comic Sans MS'][B] you bought it from."
> Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
> Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
> Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
> Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
[/color]
[/font][/B]<o :p ></o :p >
</td></tr><U1:P></U1:P></tbody></table>


<o :p >
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
</o :p >
12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE
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Postby doogee » Mon Jun 18, 2007 10:39 pm

<table class="MsoNormalTable" style="width: 100%;" border="0" cellpadding="0" width="100%"> <tbody> <tr style=""> <td style="padding: 0.75pt; width: 99.58%;" colspan="2" width="99%"> [color=blue][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]Actual call centre conversations !!!!![/color][/font][/B][font=Arial][/font][color=blue][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
> Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
> Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
> Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
[/color]
[/font][/B][color=navy][font=Arial][B]
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[/color]
[/font][/B][color=red][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]
Samsung Electronics
[/color]
[/font][/B][color=red][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]
> Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
> Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
> Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
[/color]
[/font][/B] <U1:P></U1:P><o :p ></o :p >
> [color=red][font='Comic Sans MS'][B] telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
> Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
[/color]
[/font][/B][color=blue][font='Comic Sans MS']
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
[/color]
[/font][color=fuchsia][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]
RAC Motoring Services
[/color]
[/font][/B][color=fuchsia][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]
> Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in
[/color]
[/font][/B]<st1:country-region><st1 :p lace>[color=fuchsia][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]Australia[/color][/font][/B]</st1 :p lace></st1:country-region>[color=fuchsia][font='Comic Sans MS'][B] ?"
> Operator: " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
[/color]
[/font][/B][color=blue][font='Comic Sans MS']
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
[/color]
[/font][font=Arial][B]
>
[/font][/B][color=blue][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]
> Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in
[/color]
[/font][/B]<st1:country-region><st1 :p lace>[color=blue][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]France[/color][/font][/B]</st1 :p lace></st1:country-region>[color=blue][font='Comic Sans MS'][B] ):
> "If I register my car in
[/color]
[/font][/B]<st1:country-region><st1 :p lace>[color=blue][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]France[/color][/font][/B]</st1 :p lace></st1:country-region>[color=blue][font='Comic Sans MS'][B] , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"[/color][/font][/B][color=blue][font='Comic Sans MS']
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
[/color]
[/font][color=#339966][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]
Directory Enquiries
[/color]
[/font][/B][color=#339966][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]
> Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in
[/color]
[/font][/B]<st1:City><st1 :p lace>[color=#339966][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]Cardiff[/color][/font][/B]</st1 :p lace></st1:City>[color=#339966][font='Comic Sans MS'][B] please".
> Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
> Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
[/color]
[/font][/B][color=blue][font='Comic Sans MS']
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
[/color]
[/font][color=#993366][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]
> Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
> Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
> Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in
[/color]
[/font][/B]<st1:country-region><st1 :p lace>[color=#993366][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]Scotland[/color][/font][/B]</st1 :p lace></st1:country-region>[color=blue]".
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
[/color]
[color=#003366][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]
> On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
> "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
[/color]
[/font][/B][color=blue]
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
[/color]
[color=fuchsia][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]
> Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
> Customer: "OK".
> Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
> Customer: "No".
> Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
> Customer: "No".
> Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
> Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
[/color]
[/font][/B][color=blue][font='Comic Sans MS']
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
[/color]
[/font][font=Arial]
>
[/font][color=#333399][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]
> Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
> Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
[/color]
[/font][/B][color=blue][font='Comic Sans MS']
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
[/color]
[/font][font=Arial][B]
>
[/font][/B][color=#FF6600][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]
> Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
[/color]
[/font][/B][color=blue][font='Comic Sans MS']
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
[/color]
[/font][color=navy][font='Comic Sans MS']----------------------------------[/color][/font][font=Arial][B]
>
[/font][/B][color=#333333][font='Comic Sans MS'][B]
> There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
> Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
>
> Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
> Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
> Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
> Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
> Operator: "Went away?"
> Caller: "They disappeared."
> Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
> Caller: "Nothing."
> Operator: "Nothing??"
> Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
> Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
> Caller: "How do I tell?"
> Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
> Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
> Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
> Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
> Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
> Caller: "What's a monitor?"
> Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
> Caller: "I don't know."
> Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
> Caller: "Yes, I think so."
> Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
> Caller: "Yes, it is."
> Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
> Caller: "No."
> Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
> Caller: "Okay, here it is."
> Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
> Caller: "I can't reach."
> Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
> Caller: "No."
> Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
> Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
> Operator: "Dark??"
> Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window"
> Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
> Caller: "I can't."
> Operator: "No? Why not??"
> Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
> Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
[/color]
[/font][/B]<o :p ></o :p >
<U1:P></U1:P>> [color=#333333][font='Comic Sans MS'][B] Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"[/color][/font][/B] <U1:P></U1:P><o :p ></o :p >
> [color=#333333][B]Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
> Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store
[/color]
[/B] <U1:P></U1:P><o :p ></o :p >
> [color=#333333][font='Comic Sans MS'][B] you bought it from."
> Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
> Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
> Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
> Operator: "Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
[/color]
[/font][/B]<o :p ></o :p >
</td></tr><U1:P></U1:P></tbody></table>


<o :p >
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
</o :p >
12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE
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Postby doogee » Mon Jun 18, 2007 11:13 pm

Just came back to this...........weird shit all the smiley thingies...Urmm will look into it..if i can be bothered..... :) :( :confused: ;) :p :mad: :D :o :rolleyes: :eek: :cool: [:yes] [|)] [} :) ]......?
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Postby tardistraveler » Tue Jun 19, 2007 8:29 pm

I've done tech support before - the funniest one I had (this IS real) was the secretary to one of the assistant commissioners who called me and said her computer wouldn't turn on. I walked over to her office, reached down, and turned on the power strip!

Her face was red . . . :rolleyes:
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Postby doogee » Mon Jul 02, 2007 11:08 pm

Anagrams

David Ginola - Vagina dildo

Teddy Sheringham - Teddy Minge rash

Ossie Ardiles - Arse is soiled

Diego Maradona - O dear, I'm a gonad

Tony Blair PM - I'm tory plan B

Virginia Bottomley - I'm an evil Tory bigot

Michael Heseltine - Elect him, he's alien

David Mellor - Dildo marvel

Dame Agatha Christie - I am a right death case

The Metropolitan Police Force - I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop

Benson and Hedges - NHS been a godsend

Selina Scott - Elastic snot

Mel Gibson - Big melons

Gloria Estefan - Large fat noise

Chris Rea - Rich arse

Martina Navratilova - Variant rival to a man

Gabriela Sabatini - Insatiable airbag

Irritable Bowel Syndrome - O my terrible drains below

Evangelist - Evil's Agent

Desperation - A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code - Here Come Dots

Mother-in-law - Woman Hitler

Semolina - Is No Meal
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Re: Jokes.

Postby Roan's Lady » Tue Jul 03, 2007 8:04 pm

Clever, Doogee!

Wow, smoke-free for over four years. I remember when it was less than a year. Good for you! :)
hope's as high as the sun today...
~moon safari
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Re: Jokes.

Postby doogee » Tue Jul 03, 2007 11:31 pm

Yeah Amy, it doesn't seem that long, but it is.
Why does time go double quick when you pass 40 :confused:
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Re: Jokes.

Postby Roan's Lady » Wed Jul 04, 2007 9:39 pm

doogee wrote:Yeah Amy, it doesn't seem that long, but it is.
Why does time go double quick when you pass 40 :confused:


I don't know, but it most definitely seems to - except when we're getting all of our various aches and pains dealt with that come with aging - then time slows down greatly! :shock
hope's as high as the sun today...
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Re: Jokes.

Postby doogee » Thu Jul 12, 2007 1:34 am

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Hummer I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your New York Giant's season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby replied; "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
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Re: Jokes.

Postby doogee » Mon Aug 06, 2007 11:34 pm

[font='Times New Roman']Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No". After all the nagging, he agrees and says, "OK". Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks "Dad, what's Love, Juice?". Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all. Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement. Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then Son?". Johnny replies, "Wimbledon."

[/font]
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Postby doogee » Tue Aug 07, 2007 9:40 pm

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so fucking pissed off!!" "Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender. "Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room he said "Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood." "Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender. "Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day." "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"
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Re: Jokes.

Postby YesFan01 » Mon Aug 20, 2007 6:46 pm

The Best Quote of 2007 (so far)
By Chris Rock, comedian

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white
guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is
Chinese, the
Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of
arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most
powerful men in
America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.
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