Jokes.



Postby wild_westie » Thu Apr 06, 2006 1:03 pm

With a brilliant idea and equations based on Einstein's relativity theories, Ronald Mallett from the University of Connecticut has devised an experiment to observe a time traveling neutron in a circulating light beam. While his team still needs funding for the project, Mallett calculates that the possibility of time travel using this method could be verified within a decade.

Whoo-hoo! Time travel! There are all kinds of things we can think of that people might want to do. Some possibilities: :)
  • Not see Basic Instinct 2
  • Go to Vegas and bet big on who'd win the Oscar, Emmy, or on American Idol
  • Stop Osama bin Laden
  • Marry someone else
  • Buy IBM stock when it was $10 a share.
  • Warn Katie Holmes
  • Wear a condom
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Funny Headline

Postby wild_westie » Mon Apr 10, 2006 4:55 pm

This was in our local newspaper today ~ true

"Drug tester meets lots of interesting people" ~ Duh! :D
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Happy Easter

Postby doogee » Sat Apr 15, 2006 12:21 am

Q: Why was the Easter Bunny so upset?
A: He was having a bad hare day!


Q: How does the Easter bunny keep his fur neat?
A: With a harebrush!


Q: What kind of books do rabbits like?
A: Ones with hoppy endings!


Q: Why shouldn't you tell an Easter egg a good joke?
A: It might crack up!


Q: Why does the Easter bunny have a shiny nose?
A: Because the powder puff is on the other end!


Q: What did one colored egg say to the other?
A: "Heard any good yolks lately"?


Q: How do you catch the Easter Bunny?
A: Hide in the bushes and make a noise like a carrot!


Q: How many chocolate bunnies can you put into an empty Easter basket?
A: Only one. After that, it's not empty!


Q: Why did the Easter egg hide?
A: He was a little chicken!


:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
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Postby doogee » Sat May 13, 2006 11:16 pm

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health"?
The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died"?
The old timer said, "Who said my father's dead"?
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your father is still alive? How old is he"?
The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning. That's why he's still alive, he's a golfer."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your grandfather? How old was he when he died"?
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead"?
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he"?
The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too"?
The old timer said, "No, grandpa couldn't go this morning, because he got married."
The doctor said in amazement, "Got married! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married"?
The old timer shot back, "Who said he wanted to"?
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Postby doogee » Mon May 15, 2006 11:32 pm

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then, looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Is that one word or two words?"
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Postby doogee » Tue May 16, 2006 11:48 pm

WHY YELLING AT A MAN DOESN'T WORK
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW
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Postby doogee » Thu May 18, 2006 10:35 pm

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time and this should help get you started.
During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No," said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near a window"?
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Postby doogee » Thu May 25, 2006 9:35 pm

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make this woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge"?
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Postby doogee » Fri May 26, 2006 10:58 pm

Two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As
they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually
asked Tim, "Hey Tim, what're you in for?"

"I'm getting my tonsils out - I'm a little worried," said Tim.

"Oh don't worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got
to eat all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!"

"Oh yeah?" replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you?
What're you here for?"

"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is!" Sammy answered.

"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I
couldn't walk for two years!"
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Postby doogee » Mon Jun 26, 2006 11:33 pm

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?"
"Are you nuts?!!" she replies and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again. "Listen, you! I'm not that kind of woman! Got it???!!!"
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmm. $10,000 dollars, eh? Okay, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most beautiful, perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he grabs them, starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them... but not biting them.
The woman finally gets very annoyed and asks, "Hey!!! Are you gonna bite them or not!!?" "Nah", he replies. "Costs too much!"
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Postby Greenglade's Frog » Tue Jun 27, 2006 8:42 pm

That was funny! :jestera:
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Postby Greenglade's Frog » Tue Jun 27, 2006 8:44 pm

doogee wrote:A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make this woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge"?


Double chuckles :jestera: :jestera:
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Postby Greenglade's Frog » Tue Jun 27, 2006 8:51 pm

doogee wrote:Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, BUT only on two conditions. First, you must wear a diaphragm. Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2:00 a.m., any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin". Cinderalla agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderalla doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderalla shows up, looking love-struck and VERY satisfied. "Where have you been?." demands the fairy godmother. Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!"

I met a Prince, fairy godmother. He took care of everything. "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" I can't remember, exactly... Peter, Peter... something or other".


:jestera: :jestera:
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Postby guilddigger » Thu Jun 29, 2006 5:00 pm

why are ducks feet so flat?
so they can stamp out forest fires!

why are rhinos feet so flat?
so they can stamp out flaming ducks!!
"heaven is all around translated to sound" - michael hedges
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Postby doogee » Mon Jul 10, 2006 11:00 pm

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father dies, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass on. Then I will inherit over 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother.
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Postby doogee » Tue Jul 11, 2006 10:48 pm

There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who
kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I
hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who
had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest
arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town.
When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having
fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new
priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at
the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife
fell three times last week."
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Postby doogee » Mon Jul 24, 2006 10:29 pm

25 WAYS TO IMPRESS YOUR GIRL

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better" this will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness (or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really, really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is say "you better be" , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things, they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewellery is for pussy's and Asian ladies.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words "fuck you" and grab the other girls arse. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her your jacket... then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party's dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like video games.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she'll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order interrupt and say "No she's not hungry". Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts... and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I'm talking about.

22. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

23. Remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

24. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much but I think it's funny.

25. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now don't call. That's also quite funny.
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Postby doogee » Mon Aug 07, 2006 11:08 pm

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "That's it! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was as fast as can be.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured and of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally, the electricity came back on and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any"?
God just shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
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Postby doogee » Tue Aug 29, 2006 12:36 am

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere, " says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE... Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis", Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrot shooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET... Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting... and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"
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Postby doogee » Wed Sep 06, 2006 12:38 am


Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's
room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic
magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room
putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.
It was at this point the third nun fainted.
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Postby doogee » Mon Sep 11, 2006 10:51 pm

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of
here with that dog!"
The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the
piano!"
The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can
stay... and have a drink on the house!"
So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing.
Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.
Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the
neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all
about?"
The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a
doctor."
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Postby Greenglade's Frog » Tue Sep 12, 2006 4:38 pm

doogee wrote:A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of
here with that dog!"
The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the
piano!"
The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can
stay... and have a drink on the house!"
So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing.
Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.
Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the
neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all
about?"
The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a
doctor."


:jestera: :icon_cool Hahahha. Good one. I got a hearty early-morning chuckle off that one.
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Postby doogee » Tue Sep 12, 2006 11:59 pm

The manager of a megastore came to check on his new salesman. "How many
customers did you serve today?" the manager asked. "One," replied the new guy.
"Only one?" said the boss. "How much was the sale?" The salesman answered, "
$58,334." Flabbergasted, the manager asked him to explain.
"First I sold a man a fishhook," the salesman said. "Then I sold him a rod and a
reel. Then I asked where he was planning to fish, and he said down by the coast.
So I suggested he'd need a boat -- he bought that 20-foot runabout. When he said
his Volkswagen might not be able to pull it, I took him to the automotive department
and sold him a big SUV." The amazed boss asked, "You sold all that to a guy who
came in for a fishhook?" "No," the new salesman replied. "He actually came
in for a bottle of aspirin for his wife's migraine. I told him, "Your weekend's shot.
You should probably go fishing."
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Postby doogee » Tue Sep 19, 2006 12:26 am

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a
limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the
chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have
much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and
the Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what
the limo could go. Well, he gets to about 90 miles per hour and,WHAM!
There are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.
He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well, the trooper,
seeing who it was, says "just a moment please I need to call in."
The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've
got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to
do."
The chief replies "Who is it, not Ted again ?"
The trooper says, "No, even more important."
The chief replies, "It's the Governor, isn't it ?"
The trooper replies "No, even more important."
"It isn't the President is it?"
"No, more important," replies the trooper.
"Well, WHO the HECK is it!", screams the chief.
"I don't know" says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"
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Postby doogee » Mon Sep 25, 2006 11:10 pm

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."
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Postby doogee » Mon Oct 16, 2006 10:23 pm

A man takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?" "Uh... yes sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a Genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie, "you've got it. It's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's YOUR wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in over a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about your feelings, Honey?" "You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of nonstop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No Kidding," he said, "thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
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Postby tardistraveler » Tue Oct 17, 2006 7:43 pm

guilddigger wrote:why are ducks feet so flat?
so they can stamp out forest fires!

why are rhinos feet so flat?
so they can stamp out flaming ducks!!


Reminds me of the one

Why do pygmies run at 4:00 in the afternoon?
Because that's when the elephants are coming!


What do you find between the toes of elephants?
Slow-running pygmies.
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Postby doogee » Tue Oct 31, 2006 12:04 am

Edward the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Pat, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Pat the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Edward the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Edward the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme!
The next day, Pat the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Pat the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Edward the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Edward the Dragon Slayer. Pat the Physician then slipped Edward the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Edward worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Edward the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Edward the Dragon Slayer found Pat the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Edward the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Pat the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.
The next day, Pat the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned Edward the Dragon Slayer...
MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.
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Postby doogee » Tue Nov 21, 2006 12:02 am

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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Postby doogee » Tue Nov 28, 2006 1:07 am

THE BEER PRAYER
OUR BEER,
WHICH ART IN BARRELS,
HALLOWED BE THY DRINK,
THY WILL BE DRUNK,
(I WILL BE DRUNK),
AT HOME AS IN THE TAVERN,
GIVE US THIS DAY OUR FOAMY HEAD,
AND FORGIVE US OUR SPILLAGES,
AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SPILL AGAINST US,
AND LEAD US NOT INTO INCARCERATION,
BUT DELIVER US FROM HANGOVERS,
FOR THINE IS THE BEER,
THE BITTER AND THE LAGER,
FOR EVER AND EVER,
BARMEN.
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