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YEStalk Discussion Forums • View topic - Jokes.

Jokes.



Re: Jokes.

Postby Roan's Lady » Mon Aug 20, 2007 7:24 pm

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One Liners

Postby doogee » Wed Sep 05, 2007 12:21 am

[LEFT]Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

Jesus is coming! Look Busy.

My Wild Oats Have turned to Shredded Wheat!

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

There's no future in time travel.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.

A good pun is its own reword.

Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

I have friends who swear they dream in color...It's just a pigment of their imagination.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys

As I said before, I never repeat myself. As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

Bigamy: one wife too many.Monogamy: same thing

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

Clones are people two.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.

Do not put statements in the negative form.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve. [/LEFT]
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Re: Jokes.

Postby doogee » Tue Sep 18, 2007 12:35 am

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Re: Jokes.

Postby doogee » Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:01 pm











:D
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Re: Jokes.

Postby Sidewinder_6 » Sat Oct 20, 2007 1:24 am

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Re: Jokes.

Postby Roan's Lady » Sat Oct 20, 2007 2:37 am

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Postby doogee » Tue Oct 30, 2007 12:06 am

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Postby doogee » Wed Nov 21, 2007 1:23 am

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Postby doogee » Wed Nov 21, 2007 1:44 am

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Re: Jokes.

Postby doogee » Tue Dec 04, 2007 12:01 am

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Re: Jokes.

Postby doogee » Tue Dec 25, 2007 12:08 am

DEAR SANTA

Dear Santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book called a dictionary so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa

Dear Santa: I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is Peace and Joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa

Dear Santa: I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas I'd like for my Mommy and Daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the baby-sitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. You're getting Lego instead. Santa

Dear Santa: I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joe's, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis
Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. Barbie dream house it is! Santa

Dear Santa: I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan
Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs, and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favour? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. Santa

Dear Santa: What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

Dear Santa: Do you see us when we're sleeping? Do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa

Dear Santa: I really, really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy
Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater.... again! Santa

Dearest Santa: We don't have a chimney in our house so how do you get in? Love, Marky
Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky"! That's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa
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More Xmas stuff

Postby doogee » Tue Dec 25, 2007 12:10 am

A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for is for her husband to be interested in sex. Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.
So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy. "Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself. That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.
Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"
"No, she's... who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"
"That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you - Mum's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty.'"
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And more

Postby doogee » Tue Dec 25, 2007 12:15 am

Old but still funny :D

It's the day before Christmas and Darth says to Luke "I know what you're getting me. I felt your presents".

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D
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Re: Jokes.

Postby doogee » Wed Dec 26, 2007 1:26 am



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Re: Jokes.

Postby doogee » Tue Jan 08, 2008 12:51 am

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up".
He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid..."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, " Yes...?! Why do you ask?" The daughter replied "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"
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Re: Jokes.

Postby tardistraveler » Tue Jan 08, 2008 5:06 pm

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Re: Jokes.

Postby Ed1909 » Fri Jan 25, 2008 12:01 am

I was emailed this today. Long but worth it...


This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:


DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip. No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. “You listen to this." [3 minutes of commercials follow.]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinko’s."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any..answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian.... uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."


They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack, he could not stop laughing.

Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions.
High vibration go on...
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Re: Jokes.

Postby doogee » Tue Feb 26, 2008 1:47 am



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Re: Jokes.

Postby doogee » Tue Mar 25, 2008 12:50 am

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Re: Jokes.

Postby doogee » Mon May 12, 2008 9:41 pm

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Re: Jokes.

Postby doogee » Mon May 12, 2008 9:43 pm

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Re: Jokes.

Postby doogee » Thu Sep 11, 2008 1:06 am



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Re: Jokes.

Postby Kalingzeye » Thu Sep 11, 2008 3:53 am

LMAO... Doogerz, your jokes always make my day......

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Re: Jokes.

Postby doogee » Sat Sep 13, 2008 1:07 am






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Re: Jokes.

Postby tardistraveler » Mon Oct 06, 2008 7:59 pm

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Re: Jokes.

Postby topographic_drama1980 » Tue Nov 04, 2008 10:41 pm

I don't know if this was ever posted, but I found this in my inbox 6 years ago and thought it was funny:

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Re: Jokes.

Postby 2Lizard4 » Fri Nov 14, 2008 4:26 am

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Re: One Liners

Postby Greenglade's Frog » Fri Nov 14, 2008 10:37 pm

[CENTER][/font][/CENTER]
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Re: Jokes.

Postby Greenglade's Frog » Fri Nov 14, 2008 10:45 pm

[CENTER][/font][/CENTER]
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Re: Jokes.

Postby 2Lizard4 » Sat Nov 15, 2008 1:24 am

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