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YEStalk Discussion Forums • View topic - Jokes.

Jokes.



Postby wild_westie » Sat May 21, 2005 4:20 pm

[quote="doogee"]I know it wasn't my little pumpkin. ]
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Postby wild_westie » Sat May 21, 2005 4:23 pm



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Postby doogee » Mon May 30, 2005 9:34 pm




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Postby doogee » Tue Jun 21, 2005 11:12 pm

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Postby doogee » Tue Jun 21, 2005 11:14 pm

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, maths, and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "Chief, you're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about the sheep and I won't say anything more about the baby." <!-- &mid=%3C1109362286-21977.11%40forum3.mh.bbc.co.uk%3E -->
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Postby doogee » Tue Jun 21, 2005 11:21 pm


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Postby doogee » Mon Jun 27, 2005 11:30 pm

SOME OF THESE MAY TAKE A MINUTE:

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that left Arby's to work at McDonalds.
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy optician.
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.
12. PARADOX: Two physicians.
13. PARASITES: What you see when you see double.
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.
15. POLARIZE: What a white bear sees with.
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official..
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Postby doogee » Mon Jul 04, 2005 11:28 pm

<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=10 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
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Postby doogee » Mon Jul 25, 2005 10:22 pm

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk?

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in
the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over
to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.
Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the
register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I
don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.
She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"
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Postby doogee » Mon Jul 25, 2005 10:31 pm

Click on the link and be amused. :D

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Postby doogee » Mon Jul 25, 2005 10:34 pm

Ok i just tried it and it didn't work so i will try this......

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Postby doogee » Mon Jul 25, 2005 10:36 pm

F*****g hell!!

Scroll down the page and click on "Smart budgie"
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Some more jokes

Postby ANDERSONG » Sat Jul 30, 2005 8:14 pm


































[/size]
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Funny jokes.

Postby mharden12 » Mon Aug 01, 2005 6:57 pm

Some of these jokes had me laughing out loud, which is hard to do sometimes. Let me try one.

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which
said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to
remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to
religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign
down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two
ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an
easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which
now read:

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

"Dream on, on to the heart of the sunrise."
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Postby doogee » Tue Aug 02, 2005 9:55 pm

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Postby doogee » Wed Aug 31, 2005 12:30 am

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Postby keric » Wed Aug 31, 2005 1:23 am

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Postby keric » Wed Aug 31, 2005 1:41 am

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Postby doogee » Wed Sep 14, 2005 9:59 am

On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts
from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shooked it,
held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!"

"That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?"

"Just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held
her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is -
a box of candy!"

"That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held
the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a
drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she
asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage
to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"
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Postby doogee » Fri Sep 16, 2005 5:23 pm

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Postby guilddigger » Sat Sep 17, 2005 3:06 am

"heaven is all around translated to sound" - michael hedges
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Postby Tomfoolery » Mon Sep 19, 2005 8:41 pm



[LEFT] [/LEFT]





"The word is love and the time is now, and it's right for me"
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Postby doogee » Sun Sep 25, 2005 2:40 pm

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Postby doogee » Mon Sep 26, 2005 10:52 pm

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Postby doogee » Wed Oct 19, 2005 12:45 am

Moby was walking along the High Street of his shire when a right English rain began to tumble down. Ducked he himself into a pub, whereupon friends he met, quaffed a number of pints, and then a few more, and began the long slow stagger home in the midnight hour.
Meandering in the cold, Moby decided it was time to get himself an Indian curry, so he stepped into the nearest New Dehli Deli take-away and ordered an extra hot vindaloo.
Getting home at long last, Moby put the curry on the kitchen table while and went to the bathroom to freshen up.
Now it would come to pass that the house cat closed in on the curry and, hungry and bored, decided to take the temptation to task. Myum myum. Nibble nibble. Chow chow. Lick lick. The vindaloo vanished.
Sure enough, Moby returned and was shocked to find his felis domesticatus fully immersed, whiskers in the sauce, licking the tin clean.
Moby grabbed his cat by the scruff of its neck, and carried him out to the trash bin. "You horrible little floor mop. Now you've done it! Good riddance!" he shouted. Filling a trash can with water, he tossed the cat into it and slammed the lid down, keeping it weighted down with bricks.
Returning to his abode, Moby started to feel very sorry for himself. A few minutes later he heard a knock on the window, and sure enough, when he looked there, he saw his cat.
The cat looked at him and asked, "You wouldn't happen to have any more water, would you?"
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Postby doogee » Wed Oct 19, 2005 10:33 pm

[font=Verdana][/font]<o :p ></o :p >
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[font=Verdana][/font]<o :p ></o :p >
[font=Verdana][/font]
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One for the ladies

Postby doogee » Mon Oct 24, 2005 11:05 pm

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a
problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden
and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake,
but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for
you."

"What's a 'man,' Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie,
cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But,
he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will
provide you with companionship and satisfy your desires. Yet, he'll be
witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a
ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to
think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the
catch, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. So you'll have
to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember: it's our
secret. Woman to Woman."
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Why'd the woman cross the road?

Postby Greenglade's Frog » Tue Oct 25, 2005 6:07 pm

...to go shopping....

Why do women have so many shoes in their closets?

Something to wear to go shopping next time! ;)
[CENTER][/font][/CENTER]
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Warning to all men!!

Postby doogee » Wed Oct 26, 2005 12:07 am

[font=Arial][/font]
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[font=Arial][/font][font=Arial][/font]
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Postby topographic_drama1980 » Wed Oct 26, 2005 4:20 am

Did you hear about the gay whale? It bit off the end of a submarine and sucked out all the seamen! :D
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