[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 483: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 379: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 112: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 112: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 112: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 112: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 112: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/functions.php on line 4752: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at [ROOT]/includes/functions.php:3887)
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/functions.php on line 4754: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at [ROOT]/includes/functions.php:3887)
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/functions.php on line 4755: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at [ROOT]/includes/functions.php:3887)
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/functions.php on line 4756: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at [ROOT]/includes/functions.php:3887)
YEStalk Discussion Forums • View topic - Jokes.

Jokes.



Postby doogee » Sun Oct 30, 2005 4:44 pm

12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE
doogee

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 1769
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2002 6:00 pm
Location: Sheffield Wednesday F.C.U.K.

Postby child-of-the-light » Mon Oct 31, 2005 2:10 am

Ride the tides of faith
child-of-the-light

User avatar
Veteran Member
 
Posts: 115
Joined: Wed Sep 07, 2005 12:44 am
Location: Queens, NY

Postby doogee » Tue Nov 01, 2005 12:17 am

How to Speak Politically Correct about Women

She is not a BABE or a CHICK; she is a BREASTED CITIZEN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER; she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY; she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She is not DUMB; she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND; she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY; she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY; she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS; she is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU; she becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT; she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE; she is a LOW COST PROVIDER.


How to Speak Politically Correct about Men

He does not have a BEER GUT; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not get lost all the time; he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS; he develops a case of RECTAL-
CRANIAL INVERSION.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.>

He is not QUIET; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He is not STUPID; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He is not SHORT; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT CARS; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not UNSOPHISTICATED; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not EAT LIKE A PIG; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

He does not HOG THE BLANKETS; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He doesn't have a DIRTY MIND; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC
MOMENTS.
12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE
doogee

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 1769
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2002 6:00 pm
Location: Sheffield Wednesday F.C.U.K.

Postby doogee » Wed Nov 02, 2005 12:44 am



12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE
doogee

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 1769
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2002 6:00 pm
Location: Sheffield Wednesday F.C.U.K.

Postby doogee » Tue Nov 08, 2005 12:35 am

12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE
doogee

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 1769
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2002 6:00 pm
Location: Sheffield Wednesday F.C.U.K.

Postby doogee » Thu Nov 10, 2005 1:30 am

<TABLE width="80%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=Main>Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar. He didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10-inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend. "Where did you get that monster?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."
"Could I see him?"
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.
The friend looks at the genie for a while and then asks, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie replies, so the friend asks him for a million bucks. The genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.
After a few seconds a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere.
The friend says to his buddy, "What is going on here? I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10-inch Bic?"
<!-- InstanceEndEditable --></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE
doogee

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 1769
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2002 6:00 pm
Location: Sheffield Wednesday F.C.U.K.

Postby Greenglade's Frog » Thu Nov 10, 2005 3:16 am

Why did the woman cross the road?

To go shopping

Why do women have so many shoes in their closets?

To have something to where next time they go shopping.
[CENTER][/font][/CENTER]
Greenglade's Frog

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 1908
Joined: Mon Jun 21, 2004 5:00 pm
Location: California, on the Edge of the Continent

Postby Greenglade's Frog » Thu Nov 10, 2005 3:19 am

Excuse me, "wear"...

How do men interpret the term "sexual harassment"?

Sexual her-ass-meant :D
[CENTER][/font][/CENTER]
Greenglade's Frog

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 1908
Joined: Mon Jun 21, 2004 5:00 pm
Location: California, on the Edge of the Continent

Postby doogee » Sat Nov 12, 2005 4:55 pm

A young camel was bored one day and started asking his mother questions.
"Why do we have large three toed feet?"
"So we don't sink while walking in the soft sands of the desert," his mother replied.
"Why do we have long eyelashes?" was the next question.
"To stop the sand of the desert storms getting in our eyes," was the exasperated reply.
"Why do we have a large hump on our back?"
"So we can cross the many miles of desert without needing water," his mother snapped.
"So what the hell are we doing in a zoo then?"
12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE
doogee

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 1769
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2002 6:00 pm
Location: Sheffield Wednesday F.C.U.K.

Postby doogee » Wed Nov 16, 2005 12:36 am

12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE
doogee

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 1769
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2002 6:00 pm
Location: Sheffield Wednesday F.C.U.K.

Postby guilddigger » Wed Nov 16, 2005 12:08 pm

a twelve year old kid walks into a bar, smoking a big cigar.
"give me a scotch and a beer" he says to the barmaid.
"what?", she yells, "do you want to get me into trouble?"
"maybe later, but first i'll have a scotch and a beer".
"heaven is all around translated to sound" - michael hedges
guilddigger

Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 4578
Joined: Fri Dec 14, 2001 6:13 am
Location: Umeå, Sweden.

Postby doogee » Thu Nov 17, 2005 1:00 am

Brian and Sarah are staying in a hotel and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settle down, Brian, not quite ready for slumber, leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy doops, your little hubby wubby isn't quite weddy for nighty-nighty yet." Sarah takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.
Brian jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone, "Oh my precious little honey bunny, is your nosey wosey all righty?" No harm is done to her nose so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours.
Afterwards, Sarah goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Brian looks over and grunts, "Clumsy bitch."
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE
doogee

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 1769
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2002 6:00 pm
Location: Sheffield Wednesday F.C.U.K.

Postby doogee » Fri Nov 18, 2005 10:42 pm

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.
They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years, doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After these two years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took its inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.
So..........
>
>
>
>
>
>


..........THEY BURIED HER !!!!
12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE
doogee

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 1769
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2002 6:00 pm
Location: Sheffield Wednesday F.C.U.K.

Postby doogee » Tue Nov 22, 2005 12:05 am



















12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE
doogee

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 1769
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2002 6:00 pm
Location: Sheffield Wednesday F.C.U.K.

Some silly ones.......

Postby doogee » Sat Nov 26, 2005 9:08 pm

Q: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
A: The outside.

Q: How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
A: Your nose touches the ceiling.

Q: What's a flea's favorite way to travel?
A: Itch-hiking.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
A: Big holes all over Australia!

Q: What lies on the ground, 100 feet in the air?
A: A dead centipede.

Q: Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?
A: Because Frost bites.

Q: Why wouldn't the butterfly go to the dance?
A: It was a moth-ball.

Q: What game do cows play at parties?
A: Mooosical Chairs.

Q: What do you call a multistorey pig pen?
A: A sty scraper.

Q: What do you give a horse with a cold?
A: Cough stirrup!

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D <!-- #BeginLibraryItem "/Library/taf-jokes.lbi" -->
12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE
doogee

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 1769
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2002 6:00 pm
Location: Sheffield Wednesday F.C.U.K.

Postby doogee » Thu Dec 01, 2005 12:29 am

A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road.

He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds and thousands.

A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies:

"It looks like he's topped himself"
12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE
doogee

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 1769
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2002 6:00 pm
Location: Sheffield Wednesday F.C.U.K.

Postby doogee » Mon Dec 05, 2005 11:50 pm

12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE
doogee

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 1769
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2002 6:00 pm
Location: Sheffield Wednesday F.C.U.K.

Postby doogee » Fri Dec 09, 2005 11:31 pm

12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE
doogee

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 1769
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2002 6:00 pm
Location: Sheffield Wednesday F.C.U.K.

Postby doogee » Thu Dec 29, 2005 2:27 am

12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE
doogee

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 1769
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2002 6:00 pm
Location: Sheffield Wednesday F.C.U.K.

Postby Greenglade's Frog » Sat Dec 31, 2005 9:00 pm

What did the unemployed American do to get a job?

Get a foreign passport and re-enter the USA.
[CENTER][/font][/CENTER]
Greenglade's Frog

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 1908
Joined: Mon Jun 21, 2004 5:00 pm
Location: California, on the Edge of the Continent

Postby doogee » Mon Jan 02, 2006 11:54 pm

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon
quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out
on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood
activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt's riding
a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father
asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE
doogee

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 1769
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2002 6:00 pm
Location: Sheffield Wednesday F.C.U.K.

Postby doogee » Tue Jan 31, 2006 12:15 am

<TABLE id=INCREDIMAINTABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=2 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD id=INCREDITEXTREGION style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; CURSOR: auto; FONT-FAMILY: Arial" width="100%">THE GREAT BEER / SEX ARGUMENT.

> >1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
> > One point to BEER
> >2. Warm beer tastes awful.
> > One point to VAGINA
> >. A really cold beer is satisfying.
> > One point to BEER
> >4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a
> > hair between your teeth, you may vomit.
> > One point to VAGINA
> >5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad,
> > make a scene kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina
> >your wife
> > may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a
>point
> >to be
> > had here, depending on your point of view and personal
>circumstances.
> >
> > I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.
> >
> >6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten
> > vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
> > One point to VAGINA
> >7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your
> > reputation may suffer.
> > If you have any p***y in public, you become a legend.
> > One point to VAGINA
> >8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get
> > arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
> > One point to VAGINA
> >9. You normally don't find old beer.
> > One point to BEER
> >10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers.
> > Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen god.
> > One point to VAGINA
> >11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring.
> > Ripping off panties is fun.
> > One point to VAGINA
> >12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
> > One point to VAGINA
> >13. If you have another beer the first one never gets
> > pissed off
> > One point to BEER
> >14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open
> > a bottle or a can.
> > One point to BEER
> >15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but it eventually it
> >settles
> > down.
> > One point to BEER
> >16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner
> > , ale, lager,etc.
> > One point to BEER
> >17. You always know how much beer is going to cost
> > One point to BEER
> >18. Beer doesn't have a mother
> > One point to BEER
> >19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after
> > you've drunk it
> > One point to BEER
> >FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 VAGINA: 8
> >That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is:
> >BEER
> >
> >PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or
> >Discriminated, just remember that Beer would experience none of those
> >feelings, let alone express them, an extra point for BEER!

</TD></TR><TR><TD id=INCREDIFOOTER width="100%"><TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD width="100%"></TD><TD id=INCREDISOUND vAlign=bottom align=middle></TD><TD id=INCREDIANIM vAlign=bottom align=middle></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE
doogee

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 1769
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2002 6:00 pm
Location: Sheffield Wednesday F.C.U.K.

Computer Tech Support

Postby doogee » Fri Feb 03, 2006 12:51 am
































12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE
doogee

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 1769
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2002 6:00 pm
Location: Sheffield Wednesday F.C.U.K.

Postby Olias7 » Sat Feb 04, 2006 2:06 am



[:u][:u]
Olias7

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 3414
Joined: Sat May 05, 2001 5:00 pm
Location: North Carolina

Postby Olias7 » Sat Feb 04, 2006 2:19 am



[:u][:u]
Olias7

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 3414
Joined: Sat May 05, 2001 5:00 pm
Location: North Carolina

Postby Highaltitude » Sun Feb 05, 2006 5:21 pm


[/size]
Highaltitude

Member
 
Posts: 6
Joined: Mon Apr 04, 2005 4:50 am

Postby doogee » Thu Feb 16, 2006 1:25 am

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her
father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're
Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone
a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't
think God would get mad who do you want to give a Valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father
asks in shock."Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American
Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine,
he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and
maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids
saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the
place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he
didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he
looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the
most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know,"Melissa says, "and
once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard."
12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE
doogee

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 1769
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2002 6:00 pm
Location: Sheffield Wednesday F.C.U.K.

Postby doogee » Wed Mar 08, 2006 1:22 am



Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city one
evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley.
Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood.

"Help me, I've been mugged and beaten," he pleaded.

The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her
colleague, "You know, the person who did this really needs help."
12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE
doogee

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 1769
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2002 6:00 pm
Location: Sheffield Wednesday F.C.U.K.

Postby doogee » Thu Mar 23, 2006 12:44 am

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65 on make-up and I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for.
>
>
>
I don't think she's coming back.
12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE
doogee

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 1769
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2002 6:00 pm
Location: Sheffield Wednesday F.C.U.K.

Postby doogee » Tue Apr 04, 2006 12:15 am

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns.
First of all: While it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning roster... Have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the Halal toaster/griller).
Second: It's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the hell out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wasssuuup' thing. Thanks.
Third: Food. I bought a box of Cathedral City cheese recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf of the fridge. Today, two of my cheese slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. And please - do not chant "Ossy, Ossy, Ossy. Oii Oii Oii" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.
Fifth: Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA FUCKS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.
Sixth: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys there is a grey area).
Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave. Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.
PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.
12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE
doogee

User avatar
Starship Trooper
 
Posts: 1769
Joined: Mon Dec 30, 2002 6:00 pm
Location: Sheffield Wednesday F.C.U.K.

PreviousNext

Return to The Playground

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron