Jokes.



Postby doogee » Sun Oct 30, 2005 4:44 pm

Q: What should you give an elf who wants to be taller?
A: Elf raising flour. :D
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Postby child-of-the-light » Mon Oct 31, 2005 2:10 am

Tom is walking down the street with a book under his arm when he is approached by his friend Jack. Jack asks Tom, "Whats that book youve got there?" Tom told Jack that it was a book about 'Logic'. When Jack asked Tom what he meant by 'Logic' Tom said, "Let me explain it to you. You have a fish tank at home right? This means you like water. If you like water then you enjoy going to the beach. There are lots of pretty girls in bathing suits at the beach, so youre a heterosexual." Jack said, "Wow, thats amazing. Can I borrow that book from you?" Tom agreed and gave the book to jack.

Jack is walking down the street with a book under his arm when he is approached by his friend Bob. Bob asks Jack, "whats that book youve got there?" Jack said, "Its a book about 'Logic' and its real easy." When Bob asked Jack to explain Jack said, "Okay, do you have a fish tank at home?" Bob answered, "No, I dont." "Its real easy then" said Jack. "Youre a Homo."
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Postby doogee » Tue Nov 01, 2005 12:17 am

How to Speak Politically Correct about Women

She is not a BABE or a CHICK; she is a BREASTED CITIZEN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER; she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY; she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She is not DUMB; she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND; she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY; she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY; she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS; she is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU; she becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT; she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE; she is a LOW COST PROVIDER.


How to Speak Politically Correct about Men

He does not have a BEER GUT; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not get lost all the time; he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS; he develops a case of RECTAL-
CRANIAL INVERSION.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.>

He is not QUIET; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He is not STUPID; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He is not SHORT; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT CARS; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not UNSOPHISTICATED; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not EAT LIKE A PIG; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

He does not HOG THE BLANKETS; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He doesn't have a DIRTY MIND; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC
MOMENTS.
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Postby doogee » Wed Nov 02, 2005 12:44 am

A first grade teacher presented each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come
up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.


1. Better to be safe than ....................punch a 5th grader.
2. Strike while the .............................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before ...............Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ....termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but .....how?
6. Don't bite the hand that ......................looks dirty.
7. No news is .........................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a .........................Mister
9. You can't teach an old dog new ........math.
10. If you lie down with the dogs, you'll .....stink in the morning.
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Postby doogee » Tue Nov 08, 2005 12:35 am

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.
My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome... and did not really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned.
I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story? Always keep your condoms in your car.
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Postby doogee » Thu Nov 10, 2005 1:30 am

<TABLE width="80%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=Main>Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar. He didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10-inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend. "Where did you get that monster?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."
"Could I see him?"
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.
The friend looks at the genie for a while and then asks, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie replies, so the friend asks him for a million bucks. The genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.
After a few seconds a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere.
The friend says to his buddy, "What is going on here? I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10-inch Bic?"
<!-- InstanceEndEditable --></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
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Postby Greenglade's Frog » Thu Nov 10, 2005 3:16 am

Why did the woman cross the road?

To go shopping

Why do women have so many shoes in their closets?

To have something to where next time they go shopping.
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Postby Greenglade's Frog » Thu Nov 10, 2005 3:19 am

Excuse me, "wear"...

How do men interpret the term "sexual harassment"?

Sexual her-ass-meant :D
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Postby doogee » Sat Nov 12, 2005 4:55 pm

A young camel was bored one day and started asking his mother questions.
"Why do we have large three toed feet?"
"So we don't sink while walking in the soft sands of the desert," his mother replied.
"Why do we have long eyelashes?" was the next question.
"To stop the sand of the desert storms getting in our eyes," was the exasperated reply.
"Why do we have a large hump on our back?"
"So we can cross the many miles of desert without needing water," his mother snapped.
"So what the hell are we doing in a zoo then?"
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Postby doogee » Wed Nov 16, 2005 12:36 am

A Navy SEAL was attending some college courses between assignments. One of the professors was an avowed atheist. One day he shocked the class when he came in, looked to the ceiling, and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the SEAL got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and punched him right off the platform. The professor was out cold. The SEAL went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the SEAL and asked, "What is the matter with you? Why did you did that?"

The SEAL calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to act like an idiot. So He sent me."
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Postby guilddigger » Wed Nov 16, 2005 12:08 pm

a twelve year old kid walks into a bar, smoking a big cigar.
"give me a scotch and a beer" he says to the barmaid.
"what?", she yells, "do you want to get me into trouble?"
"maybe later, but first i'll have a scotch and a beer".
"heaven is all around translated to sound" - michael hedges
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Postby doogee » Thu Nov 17, 2005 1:00 am

Brian and Sarah are staying in a hotel and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settle down, Brian, not quite ready for slumber, leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy doops, your little hubby wubby isn't quite weddy for nighty-nighty yet." Sarah takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.
Brian jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone, "Oh my precious little honey bunny, is your nosey wosey all righty?" No harm is done to her nose so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours.
Afterwards, Sarah goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Brian looks over and grunts, "Clumsy bitch."
<!-- InstanceEndEditable -->
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Postby doogee » Fri Nov 18, 2005 10:42 pm

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.
They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years, doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After these two years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took its inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.
So..........
>
>
>
>
>
>


..........THEY BURIED HER !!!!
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Postby doogee » Tue Nov 22, 2005 12:05 am

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."


A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."


A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we
don't serve food in here."


A dyslexic man walks into a bra…

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his
arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."


"Doc, I can't stop singing, 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."


Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says
to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't
believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.


An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.


Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
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Some silly ones.......

Postby doogee » Sat Nov 26, 2005 9:08 pm

Q: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
A: The outside.

Q: How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
A: Your nose touches the ceiling.

Q: What's a flea's favorite way to travel?
A: Itch-hiking.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
A: Big holes all over Australia!

Q: What lies on the ground, 100 feet in the air?
A: A dead centipede.

Q: Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?
A: Because Frost bites.

Q: Why wouldn't the butterfly go to the dance?
A: It was a moth-ball.

Q: What game do cows play at parties?
A: Mooosical Chairs.

Q: What do you call a multistorey pig pen?
A: A sty scraper.

Q: What do you give a horse with a cold?
A: Cough stirrup!

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D <!-- #BeginLibraryItem "/Library/taf-jokes.lbi" -->
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Postby doogee » Thu Dec 01, 2005 12:29 am

A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road.

He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds and thousands.

A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies:

"It looks like he's topped himself"
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Postby doogee » Mon Dec 05, 2005 11:50 pm

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa... Go home, you're drunk."
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Postby doogee » Fri Dec 09, 2005 11:31 pm

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."<!-- #BeginLibraryItem "/Library/taf-jokes.lbi" -->
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Postby doogee » Thu Dec 29, 2005 2:27 am

25 Truths of Life

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
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Postby Greenglade's Frog » Sat Dec 31, 2005 9:00 pm

What did the unemployed American do to get a job?

Get a foreign passport and re-enter the USA.
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Postby doogee » Mon Jan 02, 2006 11:54 pm

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon
quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out
on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood
activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt's riding
a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father
asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
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Postby doogee » Tue Jan 31, 2006 12:15 am

<TABLE id=INCREDIMAINTABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=2 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD id=INCREDITEXTREGION style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; CURSOR: auto; FONT-FAMILY: Arial" width="100%">THE GREAT BEER / SEX ARGUMENT.

> >1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
> > One point to BEER
> >2. Warm beer tastes awful.
> > One point to VAGINA
> >. A really cold beer is satisfying.
> > One point to BEER
> >4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a
> > hair between your teeth, you may vomit.
> > One point to VAGINA
> >5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad,
> > make a scene kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina
> >your wife
> > may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a
>point
> >to be
> > had here, depending on your point of view and personal
>circumstances.
> >
> > I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.
> >
> >6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten
> > vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
> > One point to VAGINA
> >7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your
> > reputation may suffer.
> > If you have any p***y in public, you become a legend.
> > One point to VAGINA
> >8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get
> > arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
> > One point to VAGINA
> >9. You normally don't find old beer.
> > One point to BEER
> >10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers.
> > Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen god.
> > One point to VAGINA
> >11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring.
> > Ripping off panties is fun.
> > One point to VAGINA
> >12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
> > One point to VAGINA
> >13. If you have another beer the first one never gets
> > pissed off
> > One point to BEER
> >14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open
> > a bottle or a can.
> > One point to BEER
> >15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but it eventually it
> >settles
> > down.
> > One point to BEER
> >16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner
> > , ale, lager,etc.
> > One point to BEER
> >17. You always know how much beer is going to cost
> > One point to BEER
> >18. Beer doesn't have a mother
> > One point to BEER
> >19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after
> > you've drunk it
> > One point to BEER
> >FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 VAGINA: 8
> >That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is:
> >BEER
> >
> >PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or
> >Discriminated, just remember that Beer would experience none of those
> >feelings, let alone express them, an extra point for BEER!

</TD></TR><TR><TD id=INCREDIFOOTER width="100%"><TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD width="100%"></TD><TD id=INCREDISOUND vAlign=bottom align=middle></TD><TD id=INCREDIANIM vAlign=bottom align=middle></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
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Computer Tech Support

Postby doogee » Fri Feb 03, 2006 12:51 am

Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD
player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

---
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one.

---
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.

---
Tech support: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on the left of the
screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

---
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello. I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "Start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, darn it!

---
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer.' I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
---
Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

---
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

---
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work.

---
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

---
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

---
Tech support: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

---
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
---
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

---
A female customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

---
And last, but not least....
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
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Postby Olias7 » Sat Feb 04, 2006 2:06 am

Just discovered this thread tonight, so thought I'd contribute my little 2¢ worth ~

Two nuns are walking down the street when one says to the other, "Sister, I smell hair burning!" The other nun then looks at her and asks, "Well, you don't think we're walking too fast, do you?" :D
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Postby Olias7 » Sat Feb 04, 2006 2:19 am

Here's another ~

A horny Hollywood actress is driving her Eldorado Cadillac through the backroads in the state of Georgia one day when she happens to see two young stud-like farmhands plowing in a field. So she pulls her car over to the side of the road and motions for the two guys to come over to where she is. Once they get there, she asks them both, "How are you boys doing today?" They responded, "Fine, ma'am ... thank ya' and how are you?" She then told them that she was "sexually excited" and was wondering if maybe they could help her out. They both looked at each other and rubbed their hands together, smiling and said, "Yes ma'am! We'll be glad to!" So the actress got into the back seat of her car and the first guy got in. He was just getting ready to get something started with her when she stopped him and said, "Whoa! Whoa! Wait a second! Here, put this on." He asked her, "What is it?" She said, "It's a rubber." He then asked, "Well, what's it for?" She said, "It's to keep you from catching any disease." He said, "Oh, okay" and put on the rubber then proceded to fuck the actress like only a true farmhand knows how. Once he was finished, the second guy got in the back seat with her and she did the same thing with him by making him wear a rubber. After she got her jollies with them, she thanked them both and drove off. A few days later, the same two guys are out in the field again plowing. One of the them motions for the other and he comes walking over. The farmhand then asks him, "Zeb, do you feel like you're catchin' any disease?" Zeb says, "Not that I can recollect." The farmhand then asks Zeb, "Well, do you think it'd be alright then if we took these things off? I gotta piss!!!" :D
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Postby Highaltitude » Sun Feb 05, 2006 5:21 pm

[size=100]Two russian scientifics, one astronaut and a neurosurgeon starts a chat during their lunchtime in a spacelab:..." you know - said the astronaut- I've been here on the space many times and i never have seen Angels or Gods or nothing related...so, the neurosurgeon answer, yes you are right, I have operated brains for years and i've never seen any idea neither..."
[/size]
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Postby doogee » Thu Feb 16, 2006 1:25 am

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her
father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're
Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone
a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't
think God would get mad who do you want to give a Valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father
asks in shock."Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American
Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine,
he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and
maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids
saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the
place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he
didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he
looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the
most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know,"Melissa says, "and
once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard."
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Postby doogee » Wed Mar 08, 2006 1:22 am

TOO BLOODY TRUE!!

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city one
evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley.
Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood.

"Help me, I've been mugged and beaten," he pleaded.

The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her
colleague, "You know, the person who did this really needs help."
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Postby doogee » Thu Mar 23, 2006 12:44 am

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65 on make-up and I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for.
>
>
>
I don't think she's coming back.
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Postby doogee » Tue Apr 04, 2006 12:15 am

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns.
First of all: While it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning roster... Have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the Halal toaster/griller).
Second: It's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the hell out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wasssuuup' thing. Thanks.
Third: Food. I bought a box of Cathedral City cheese recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf of the fridge. Today, two of my cheese slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. And please - do not chant "Ossy, Ossy, Ossy. Oii Oii Oii" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.
Fifth: Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA FUCKS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.
Sixth: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys there is a grey area).
Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave. Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.
PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.
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