Jokes.



Jokes.

Postby doogee » Wed Jun 30, 2004 11:04 pm

I was thinking that we should have a thread where YEStalkers can come for a laugh, or if they needed cheering up.
So come on you lot ! post your jokes here and give us all a giggle. :)
I will start us off ........

A little rabit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says "My friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at the rabbit, looks at the joint, tosses it away and takes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing cocaine. So the rabbit says "My friend, why do you do this? Think about your health, come running with us through the pretty forest and you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at the razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up heroin and the rabbit says "My friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you'll feel so good!" The lion looks at the rabbit, puts down the needle and starts to beat the shit out of the rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at the lion and say "Lion, why do you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little bastard makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours on end every time he's on ecstasy!" :jestera:
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LMFAO!!!!

Postby Squire*Fan725 » Thu Jul 01, 2004 3:52 am

That was a good one, doogee!! :jestera:

I'll have to go through my archives before I can post a decent joke of my own!
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THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Postby doogee » Fri Jul 02, 2004 6:59 pm

THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE


Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig
is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't
the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that
you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a
bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you
call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps
you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a
play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have
noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while
quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as
hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a
sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone
who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all
those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I
start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it. ;) :p :D

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Speak to me of English...

Postby Roan's Lady » Fri Jul 02, 2004 10:21 pm

And the above is why I love my job. English - and all its twists and turns - never ceases to fascinate me!
Great post, doogee! :D
hope's as high as the sun today...
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Postby doogee » Sat Jul 03, 2004 4:30 pm

Squire*Fan725 wrote:That was a good one, doogee!! :jestera:

Roan's Lady wrote:And the above is why I love my job. English - and all its twists and turns - never ceases to fascinate me!
Great post, doogee! :D


Glad to know i'm tickling at least two of you. ;)
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THAT'S AMORE

Postby doogee » Sat Jul 03, 2004 5:28 pm

When the moon hits your eye,
Like a big pizza pie,
That's amore. :icon_luvu

When an eel bites your hand,
And that's not what you planned,
That's a moray. :rolleyes:

When your horse munches straw,
And the bales total four,
That's some more hay. :p

When a Japanese knight,
Uses his sword in a fight,
That's Samurai. :confused:

When your sheep go to graze,
In a damp marshy place,
That's a moor, eh? :icon_wink

When your boat comes home fine,
And you tie up her line,
That's a mooring. :icon_blus

When you ace your last tests,
Like you did all the rest,
That's some more "A"s! :icon_appr

When on Mt. Cook you see,
An aborigine,
That's a Maori. Image

When you've had quite enough,
Of this dumb rhyming stuff,
That's "No more!", eh? :D
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Postby Independently Whole » Sun Jul 04, 2004 2:57 am

There was a young man named Perkins
Who was extremely fond of small gherkins
One day at tea
He ate forty-three
And pickled his internal workin's
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GREAT NEWS ! Learn Korean in 5 minutes.

Postby doogee » Mon Jul 05, 2004 4:36 pm

JUST READ ALOUD THE FOLLOWING PHRASES

1.THATS NOT RIGHT.............SUM TING WONG
2.ARE YOU HARBOURING A FUGITIVE?...HU YU HAI DING
3.SEE ME ASAP.......KUM HEA
4. STUPID MAN....DUM GAI
5.SMALL HORSE....TAI NI PO NI
6.DID YOU GO TO THE BEACH?....WAI YU SO TAN
7.I BUMPED THE COFFEE TABLE....AI BANG MAI NEE
8.I THINK YOU NEED A FACE LIFT...CHIN TU FAT
9.ITS VERY DARK IN HERE.....WAO SO DIM
10. I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON A DIET...WAI YU MUN CHING
11. THIS IS A TOW AWAY ZONE..NO PAH KING
12.OUR MEETING IS SCHEDULED FOR NEXT WEEK.....WAI YU KUM NAO (APPLIES TO OTHER SITUATIONS?)
13.STAYING OUT OF SIGHT...LEI YING LO
14. HES CLEANING HIS AUTOMOBILE....WA SHING KA
15. YOUR BODY ODOUR IS OFFENSIVE....YU STIN KI PU
16. GREAT....FA KIN SU PAH :D
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Postby Roan's Lady » Mon Jul 05, 2004 9:13 pm

LOL!!
These are great, and so clever!! :icon_appr
I love the smilies in "That's Amore"! :D
Has anyone heard of the book "Eats, Shoots, and Leaves"? I just bought it today. Can't wait to dive into it!
hope's as high as the sun today...
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Postby wild_westie » Mon Jul 05, 2004 10:23 pm

Doogee, those jokes are hilarious! :D
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Tales From The Shire

Postby Squire*Fan725 » Wed Jul 07, 2004 3:03 am

<TABLE id=Table2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width=328 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=body vAlign=top colSpan=3></TD></TR><TR><TD class=body vAlign=top colSpan=3>
Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to the local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!" In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it." The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?" "No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
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The bear and the rabbit

Postby Squire*Fan725 » Wed Jul 07, 2004 3:20 am

<TABLE id=Table2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width=328 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=body vAlign=top colSpan=3> </TD></TR><TR><TD class=body vAlign=top colSpan=3>There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish. The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
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Heaven's New Policy

Postby Squire*Fan725 » Wed Jul 07, 2004 3:28 am

<TABLE id=Table2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width=328 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=body vAlign=top colSpan=3></TD></TR><TR><TD class=body vAlign=top colSpan=3>It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So,the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter. A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died." The third man says,"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

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Love the heaven one Dahni.

Postby doogee » Thu Jul 08, 2004 11:16 pm

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'........... So she socked me a good one." The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat slag" !
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Because i'm a guy.

Postby doogee » Thu Jul 08, 2004 11:57 pm

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart -- despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- how the heck could HE know where we're going?

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. If you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the new millenium, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and the dishes. I'll do the rest. :D

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This is so true.

Postby doogee » Tue Jul 13, 2004 7:25 pm

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 50's, 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because...
Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags -riding in the passenger seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same.
We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded.
We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms.
We had friends -we went outside and found them.
We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again.
We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue, we learned to get over it.
We walked to friend's homes.
We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and although we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes out, nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.
We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them. Congratulations!
Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.
For those of you who aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about us.
This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might put a smile on your face.
The majority of students in universities today were born in
1983........They are called youth.
They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children, and the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel. They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena or Belinda Carlisle.
For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.
AIDS has existed since they were born.
CD's have existed since they were born.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.
They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are just new films out last year.
They think that N-Trance "set you free" is an Old Skool song.
They can never imagine life before computers.
They've never heard of Pac-Man or Space Invaders or BBC computers that have Bat n Ball games.
They'll never have thought Jazz was the sexiest aftershave ever.
They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, Red Hand Gang or the Famous Five.

They can't believe a black and white television ever existed and don't even know how to switch on a TV without a remote control.

And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone.
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Those Were The Good Old Days!

Postby Roan's Lady » Tue Jul 13, 2004 9:11 pm

And the MUSIC was sooooo much better!
Great post, Doogee - all so very true!
We knew how to live...

:icon_appr




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Stages of success.

Postby doogee » Fri Jul 16, 2004 1:57 pm

At age 4 ...success is ... not peeing in you pants
At age 12...success is ... having friends
At age 16...success is ... having a drivers license
At age 20...success is ... having sex
At age 35...success is ... having money
At age 50...success is ... having money
At age 60...success is ... having sex
At age 70...success is ... having a drivers license
At age 75...success is ... having friends
At age 80...success is ... not peeing in your pants.

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Disorder in the court

Postby doogee » Fri Jul 16, 2004 2:47 pm

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

****
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?


A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

****
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?


A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q. You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

****

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

****

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?


Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

****


Q. Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

****

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning

****

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

****


Q: Mrs. Jamison, were you present when your picture was taken?

****
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?


A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

****

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

****

Q. How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

****
Q: Can you describe the individual?


A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this individual a male, or a female?

****
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?


A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

****

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All of them, all my autopsies are usually performed on dead people.

****

Q. All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

****

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

****

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

****

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practising law somewhere.
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A groaner.

Postby doogee » Sat Jul 17, 2004 7:03 pm

[font=Times New Roman][size=100]A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when
the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his
wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about
whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party
official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph
whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is
it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man
quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear". :icon_blus :jestera:

[/size][/font]
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Zen thoughts.

Postby doogee » Sat Jul 17, 2004 7:54 pm

A few Zen thoughts for those who take life too seriously.

Save the whales..........
Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like ..........
Night.

On the other hand..........
You have different fingers.

45% of all statistics..........
Are made up on the spot.

99% of lawyers..........
Give the rest a bad name.

I feel like i'm diagonally parked..........
In a parallel universe.

Honk..........
If you love peace and quiet.

Remember that half the people you know..........
Are below average.

He who laughs last..........
Thinks slowest.

Depression is merely.........
Anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm..........
But the second mouse gets the cheese.

A clear conscience is..........
Sign of a bad memory.

Get a new car for your wife..........
It'll be a great trade.

Plan to be spontaneous..........
Tomorrow.

Always try to be modest..........
And be proud of it.

If you think nobody cares..........
Try missing a couple of payments.

If you believe in telekinesis..........
Raise my hand.

If all appears to be going well..........
You have overlooked something.

When all is coming your way..........
You're in the wrong lane.

Everyone has a photographic memory..........
Some just don't have film.

Eagles may soar..........
But weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death..........
Twice.

And finally..........
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name ? :D

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Size Matters

Postby Roan's Lady » Sat Jul 17, 2004 9:24 pm

doogee wrote:These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

etc....



Very funny stuff, doogee! :D

Here another one:
The judge asks the 15-year-old girl whose dog ran away for the fifth time: Was your dog at large last week?

The 15-year-old girl answers: Not really, he was only about a foot long.

Incidentally, the 15-year-old was me - true story! :o
My dog was a purebred and registered as belonging to me, so I had to "take the heat" and make a court appearance when animal control had had enough of repeatedly collecting him when he took off. My folks were in the courtroom, but I had to stand before the judge and provide the comic material for the courthouse water cooler. Very hilarious...and yes, today I do know what "at large" means! :rolleyes:

hope's as high as the sun today...
~moon safari
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This is a true story!

Postby topographic_drama1980 » Mon Jul 19, 2004 5:44 am

Last week, it was late at night and I went across the street from our house to a laundromat to get two bottles of soda from the soda machine. I got one for my fiancee first and I tried to get one for me, but it didn't have the one I wanted so I went back across the street to the car wash's machine and they had the soda but I didn't have enough money so I decided to walk back over to the laundromat to get a different soda and a cop pulled up asks "You trying to get a soda?" I said "Nope. I was just going over to ask the machine out but it turned me down." HERE'S YOUR SIGN!!!!
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Postby topographic_drama1980 » Mon Jul 19, 2004 5:47 am

Actually, the cop gave me a quarter, because that's what I needed anyway, and he asked me for my information (address, phone number, etc.) because someone had robbed that very same car wash the night before. So, he payed me a quarter in exchange for my information, just in case he would try to send me a bill for the quarter!
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Sex is good for you.

Postby doogee » Mon Jul 19, 2004 8:30 pm

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women
make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which
makes hair shine and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering
dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and
tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you
with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually
active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.
These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE
EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages
saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural
antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

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Some amusing trivia.

Postby doogee » Mon Jul 19, 2004 8:41 pm

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced
to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off ("Honey, I'm
home. What the...?")


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the
bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next
life...quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a
good thing....)


A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure
that out.)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
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Postby fragilesi » Tue Jul 20, 2004 9:39 pm

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
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Postby fragilesi » Tue Jul 20, 2004 9:47 pm

Terrible groaner follows . . .

A chocolate bar and a toffee bar are in a pub having a pint.
In walks a nougat bar (a particularly tough one!) and demands the chocolate bar's seat. The chocolate bar is scared and about to give up the seat when the toffee bar tells the nougat bar to get lost. Much to the chocolate bar's surprise his friend's stand has the desired affect and the nougat bar apologises and walks off to another seat. "Don't worry, I'll look after you against these guys, they aren't really that tough" laughs the toffee bar. And true to his word, every time a tougher sweet picked on the chocolate bar his friend stood up for him.

Towards the end of the evening, in walked a packet of Tunes (an english cough / cold sweet for anyone who doesn't know). He too demanded the chocolate bar's seat but this time the toffee bar just ran! Amazed, the chocolate bar ran after him and panted "What's the problem? I thought you would see him off too!".

"You must be joking I wouldn't argue with him!" toffee replied.

"Why not?" asked the bemused chocolate bar.

"He's not just tough, he's f**king menthol!" said the toffee bar.

I'm sorry but as a friend insisted on telling me I thought that I'd inflict it on you lot!!!

Simon
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COURSES FOR WOMEN.

Postby doogee » Thu Jul 22, 2004 4:51 pm

[font=Times New Roman][size=100]TO ALL WOMEN, REGISTER BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.[/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=100]SPACES ARE LIMITED. [/size][/font]

[font=Times New Roman][size=100]Women think they already know everything, but
wait,.......................... training courses are now
available for women on the following subjects:
[/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=100][/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=100]1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait until After The Game.
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His.
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the first.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without nagging.
[/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=100]10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
12. Introduction to Parking.
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space.
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat.
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption.
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
19. PMS: Your Problem . .. . Not His.
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women notice.
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both.
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
26. Getting ready to go out: Start the day before.
[/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=100]Please register immediately as courses are in great demand,[/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=100][size=134][color=red][/color][/size][/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=100][size=134][color=red][/color][/size][/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=100][size=134][color=red]P.S. Please take a look at my thread "Installation of Windows" in the HELP Forum and see if you can help.[/color][/size][/size][/font]
[font=Times New Roman][size=100][size=134][color=#ff0000]Thanks.


[/color]

[/size]
[/size][/font]
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MANPOWER

Postby doogee » Mon Jul 26, 2004 10:48 pm

Ok here we go lads. Put down lines for those girls who don't play nice.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a slut.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cus after I'm done shagging you in the back of my car, I don't give a shit where you go.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator !!
Man: Cool ! that explains the moustache!

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake off once you've been humped.

Man: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat...

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Fortunately, somewhere else.
Man: Just as well cos I've been shagging your mum while your dad watches...

Man: You're pretty
Woman: Piss off.
Man: Don't interrupt, you're pretty ugly.


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