Jokes.

Play some games, tell some jokes, and have some fun here!
wild_westie
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Post: # 87675Post wild_westie
Sat May 21, 2005 4:20 pm

[quote="doogee"]I know it wasn't my little pumpkin. ]
I'm sorry doogee. :o It won't happen again.

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Post: # 87676Post wild_westie
Sat May 21, 2005 4:23 pm

My husband is always saying funny stuff. He keeps me laughing all of the time. The other morning, we were at work. A Mahendra tractor commercial was playing. After it finished, he said "Mahendra tractor. I don't know whether to cultivate or masterbate." :D


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doogee
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Post: # 87919Post doogee
Mon May 30, 2005 9:34 pm

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, BUT only on two conditions. First, you must wear a diaphragm. Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2:00 a.m., any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin". Cinderalla agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderalla doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderalla shows up, looking love-struck and VERY satisfied. "Where have you been?." demands the fairy godmother. Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!"

I met a Prince, fairy godmother. He took care of everything. "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" I can't remember, exactly... Peter, Peter... something or other".
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doogee
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Post: # 88436Post doogee
Tue Jun 21, 2005 11:12 pm

Sarah, a recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life! As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
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doogee
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Post: # 88437Post doogee
Tue Jun 21, 2005 11:14 pm

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, maths, and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "Chief, you're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about the sheep and I won't say anything more about the baby." <!-- &mid=%3C1109362286-21977.11%40forum3.mh.bbc.co.uk%3E -->
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doogee
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Post: # 88438Post doogee
Tue Jun 21, 2005 11:21 pm

>QUESTIONS THAT NEED ANSWERS
>
>1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and
>say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here,
>and drink whatever comes out?"
>
>2. Who was the first person to say, "See that
>chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that
>comes outta it's butt."
>
>3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the
>freezer?
>
>4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is
>there a song about him?
>
>5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the
>carpool lane?
>
>6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking
>for the time, but don't point to their crotch when
>they ask where the bathroom is?
>
>7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when
>you get undressed if they are going to look up
>there anyway?
>
>8 Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto
>remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
>
>9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all
>that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
>
>10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
>
>11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil
>is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil
>made from?
>
>12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
>
>
>13 Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
>same tune?
>
>14. Stop singing and read on..........
>
>15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of
>Alphabet Soup?
>
>16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a
>dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take
>him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
>window?
>
>17. Does pushing the elevator button more than
>once make it arrive faster?

:D :D :D :D :D
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doogee
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Post: # 88521Post doogee
Mon Jun 27, 2005 11:30 pm

SOME OF THESE MAY TAKE A MINUTE:

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that left Arby's to work at McDonalds.
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy optician.
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.
12. PARADOX: Two physicians.
13. PARASITES: What you see when you see double.
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.
15. POLARIZE: What a white bear sees with.
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official..
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doogee
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Post: # 88758Post doogee
Mon Jul 04, 2005 11:28 pm

<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=10 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD>
[size=134]Signs that have actually been displayed!!!


1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs

3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)

6. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.

10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.

11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.)

15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.



[/size]
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
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doogee
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Post: # 89410Post doogee
Mon Jul 25, 2005 10:22 pm

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk?

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in
the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over
to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.
Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the
register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I
don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.
She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"
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doogee
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Post: # 89412Post doogee
Mon Jul 25, 2005 10:31 pm

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doogee
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Post: # 89413Post doogee
Mon Jul 25, 2005 10:34 pm

Ok i just tried it and it didn't work so i will try this......

Video Not Working? Click Here To Download It!
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doogee
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Post: # 89414Post doogee
Mon Jul 25, 2005 10:36 pm

F*****g hell!!

Scroll down the page and click on "Smart budgie"
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ANDERSONG
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Some more jokes

Post: # 89608Post ANDERSONG
Sat Jul 30, 2005 8:14 pm

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf,"
<HR>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF><?bigger><?bigger>A woman's dishwasher quit working one day so she called a repairman. <?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF><?bigger><?bigger>Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll <?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF><?bigger><?bigger>leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the <?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF><?bigger><?bigger>counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, & by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. <?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF><?bigger><?bigger>But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?/fontfamily>

<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF><?bigger><?bigger>"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" <?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?/fontfamily>

<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF><?bigger><?bigger>When the repairman arrived at the woman's apartment the following day,he <?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF><?bigger><?bigger>discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. <?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF><?bigger><?bigger>But, just as the woman had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching <?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF><?bigger><?bigger>the repairman go about his work.<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?/fontfamily>

<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF><?bigger><?bigger>The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant <?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF><?bigger><?bigger>yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain <?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF><?bigger><?bigger>himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?/fontfamily>

<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF><?bigger><?bigger>To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

<HR>
A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe".

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom
blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband`s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:"Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper`s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.

<HR>
A Doctor was addressing a large audience of retired people in Florida. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and most of us have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a little 85-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake?"
<HR>
<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com :o ffice:smarttags" /><st1:PersonName w:st="on" ProductID="Doctor Bloom">Doctor Bloom,</st1:PersonName> who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What miracle that doctor do?"
[size=167]

"Miracle? He gave me a longer cane."
<HR>
Bernie had a fight with his wife and went to the movies to cool off.

Later that evening, he decided to phone home to see what the situation was, and maybe even apologize.

"Hello, darling," Bernie said, "what are you making for dinner?"

"What am I making for dinner? After all the horrible things you said to me earlier, you want to know what I am making for dinner?
Poison, that's what I'm making, poison."

Bernie replies, "Okay then, just make one portion, I'm not coming home."
<HR>
Mary was dying, and on her deathbed she gave final instructions to her husband Shamus.


"<st1:City w:st="on"><st1 :p lace w:st="on">Shamus</st1 :p lace></st1:City>, you've been so good to me all these years. I know you never even thought about another woman. But now that I'm going,

I want you to marry again as soon as is possible and I want you to give your new wife all my expensive clothes."

"I can't do that, my darling," Shamus said. "You're a size 16 and she's only a 10."
<HR>
The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing!

The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

[/size]

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mharden12
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Funny jokes.

Post: # 89659Post mharden12
Mon Aug 01, 2005 6:57 pm

Some of these jokes had me laughing out loud, which is hard to do sometimes. Let me try one.

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which
said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to
remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to
religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign
down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two
ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an
easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which
now read:

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

"Dream on, on to the heart of the sunrise."

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doogee
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Post: # 89707Post doogee
Tue Aug 02, 2005 9:55 pm

A virile, young Italian man was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom for sex.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... You finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love-making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The love-making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted Italian falls onto his back, gasping.

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian!"
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doogee
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Post: # 90331Post doogee
Wed Aug 31, 2005 12:30 am

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the
husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His
wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says the
wife, "I want a divorce."

"Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there
will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean,
no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is
yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with
a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is much better
looking." says the wife.
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Post: # 90333Post keric
Wed Aug 31, 2005 1:23 am

A drunk is sitting at a bar when he suddenly stands up and shouts "all lawyers are assh*les". From the other end of the bar comes a voice saying "I resent that statement". The drunk looks to the man and says "are you a lawyer?" The man stands up and says "No, I'm an assh*le."

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Post: # 90334Post keric
Wed Aug 31, 2005 1:41 am

The Mother Superior of a local convent called all of the nuns in her congregation together in the church. "It has come to my attention" she informed them "that some of you may have had sexual contact with Father Murphy." I have prayed for counciling on this slight disgression and have come up with a penance you can serve should you care to confess. I would ask that any of you who care to rid yourself of the guilt of your sin please form a line by the holy water. In a brief time almost all of the nuns were lined up and ready to take their penance. The Mother Superior explained that one by one each of the nuns would come before her, explain what they had done with Father Murphy, then dip the body part that touched Father Murphy's manhood into the water to cleanse it from sin. One by one they came before her, explaining what they did and dipping their hand into the water. From the back of the line she could see someone trying to get ahead of the others. "Sister Mary, are you so full of guilt that you a frantic to confess before the others can?" "No" replied Sister Mary, "I just want to be able to wash out my mouth before Sister Margaret sticks her ass in there."

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doogee
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Post: # 90734Post doogee
Wed Sep 14, 2005 9:59 am

On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts
from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shooked it,
held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!"

"That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?"

"Just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held
her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is -
a box of candy!"

"That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held
the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a
drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she
asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage
to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"
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doogee
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Post: # 90793Post doogee
Fri Sep 16, 2005 5:23 pm

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that the
rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand,
smiled and said hello to him. He is rather taken back that such
a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he
cannot place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry
do you know me?"She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I thought you
might be the father of one of my children!"His mind shoots back to
the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Geeezus!" he says.
"Are you that strip-o-gram at my bachelor party that I made it with on
the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped
my bare butt with a wooden spatula?"
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher."
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Post: # 90823Post guilddigger
Sat Sep 17, 2005 3:06 am

back in the old days, before the propeller was invented, there was this ship sailing the seas carrying cargo from continent to continent. as they had a busy schedule they were never in port for a very long time and spent several weeks, even months, out at sea.

of course, this had an effect on the crew of fifty men - plus the cook's male cat - being away from and without women for such a long time, and being men they had to take matters in their own hands, so to speak.

this in turn ended with a lot of unconvenient 'spillings' here and there onboard, which caused the captain to make a desicion. he called all men on deck and told them that he wanted a clean, decent ship. "therefore", he said, "this barrel will be placed on deck and when the need comes you spill your seed into it".

said and done, months passed and the crew was somewhat satisfied and the captain had a somewhat clean ship, until the day came when the barrel was filled to the brim. the captain ordered a lid to be nailed on top of it and then the barrel was pushed into the sea.

the barrel drifted with the waves for two weeks until it was washed up on a shore. not far from that shore was a nunnery and one morning the mother superior was on a morning stroll with four of her nuns. they found the barrel, rolled it up on dry land and opened the lid to see what was in it.

"it is a gift from god", the mother superior cried, "it is candle wax! now we can make candles to last us at least a year!"

said and done, they put the lid back and rolled the barrel to the nunnery, since it was not that far, and proceeded to make candles.


when a few months had passed all nuns were pregnant and the mother superior had given birth to five kittens.
"heaven is all around translated to sound" - michael hedges

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Tomfoolery
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Post: # 90889Post Tomfoolery
Mon Sep 19, 2005 8:41 pm

Crazy notes! These parents must have been "uneducated Republicans". :D I have no idea if they're real or not, as I didn't check snopes.com about it, but they ARE funny, so I'm sharing them.

[LEFT] [/LEFT]

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND

I PROMISE YOU CANNOT READ THESE AND NOT LAUGH OUT LOUD! THESE ARE REAL NOTES WRITTEN BY PARENTS IN A TENNESSEE SCHOOL DISTRICT. (SPELLINGS HAVE BEEN LEFT INTACT.)




MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.

PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT.

DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30,
31, 32 AND ALSO 33.

PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.

PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.

JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.

CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.

MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.

CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.

PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.

PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SHITS. [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT].

PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.

IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.

PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT.

KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.

PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.

SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE HAVE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL.

MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES.

PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.

PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.

GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.

PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.

MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORE THROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AND SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER, SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.


NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS.
"The word is love and the time is now, and it's right for me"

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doogee
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Post: # 91028Post doogee
Sun Sep 25, 2005 2:40 pm

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short,
everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they
took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on
his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to
his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the
room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls
him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches
back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the
books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while
the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on
the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great
trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got
an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room
and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No".

"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the
structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school,
when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling
around.
12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE

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doogee
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Post: # 91055Post doogee
Mon Sep 26, 2005 10:52 pm

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception
committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any
of the myriad of recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the
Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning languages.
After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and
begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from most
recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come
running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself
and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'." A particularly
concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him what the
problem is and what does he mean.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'.
They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE

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doogee
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Post: # 91442Post doogee
Wed Oct 19, 2005 12:45 am

Moby was walking along the High Street of his shire when a right English rain began to tumble down. Ducked he himself into a pub, whereupon friends he met, quaffed a number of pints, and then a few more, and began the long slow stagger home in the midnight hour.
Meandering in the cold, Moby decided it was time to get himself an Indian curry, so he stepped into the nearest New Dehli Deli take-away and ordered an extra hot vindaloo.
Getting home at long last, Moby put the curry on the kitchen table while and went to the bathroom to freshen up.
Now it would come to pass that the house cat closed in on the curry and, hungry and bored, decided to take the temptation to task. Myum myum. Nibble nibble. Chow chow. Lick lick. The vindaloo vanished.
Sure enough, Moby returned and was shocked to find his felis domesticatus fully immersed, whiskers in the sauce, licking the tin clean.
Moby grabbed his cat by the scruff of its neck, and carried him out to the trash bin. "You horrible little floor mop. Now you've done it! Good riddance!" he shouted. Filling a trash can with water, he tossed the cat into it and slammed the lid down, keeping it weighted down with bricks.
Returning to his abode, Moby started to feel very sorry for himself. A few minutes later he heard a knock on the window, and sure enough, when he looked there, he saw his cat.
The cat looked at him and asked, "You wouldn't happen to have any more water, would you?"
12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE

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doogee
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Post: # 91477Post doogee
Wed Oct 19, 2005 10:33 pm

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit you"<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com :o ffice :o ffice" /><o :p ></o :p >[font=Verdana]"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour"[/font]<o :p ></o :p >
[font=Verdana]" Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky" "No problem" she[/font]<o :p ></o :p >
[font=Verdana]replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky"[/font]<o :p ></o :p >
[font=Verdana]So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large[/font]<o :p ></o :p >
[font=Verdana]bedsprings and a duck caller "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your[/font]<o :p ></o :p >
[font=Verdana]limbs."[/font]<o :p ></o :p >
[font=Verdana]The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to[/font]<o :p ></o :p >
[font=Verdana]her hands and knees.[/font]<o :p ></o :p >
[font=Verdana]"Now you vill get on your hans and knees." She duly does this, balancing on[/font]<o :p ></o :p >
[font=Verdana]the springs "You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She[/font]<o :p ></o :p >
[font=Verdana]finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.[/font]<o :p ></o :p >
[font=Verdana]The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic[/font]<o :p ></o :p >
[font=Verdana]German, all the time honking on the duck caller.[/font]<o :p ></o :p >
[font=Verdana]The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is[/font]<o :p ></o :p >
[font=Verdana]several minutes before she has recovered her breath.[/font]<o :p ></o :p >
[font=Verdana]Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?"[/font]<o :p ></o :p >
[font=Verdana] "Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"[/font]
12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE

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doogee
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One for the ladies

Post: # 91562Post doogee
Mon Oct 24, 2005 11:05 pm

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a
problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden
and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake,
but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for
you."

"What's a 'man,' Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie,
cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But,
he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will
provide you with companionship and satisfy your desires. Yet, he'll be
witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a
ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to
think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the
catch, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. So you'll have
to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember: it's our
secret. Woman to Woman."
12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE

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Greenglade's Frog
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Why'd the woman cross the road?

Post: # 91570Post Greenglade's Frog
Tue Oct 25, 2005 6:07 pm

...to go shopping....

Why do women have so many shoes in their closets?

Something to wear to go shopping next time! ;)
[CENTER][SIGPIC][/SIGPIC][/CENTER]

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doogee
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Warning to all men!!

Post: # 91578Post doogee
Wed Oct 26, 2005 12:07 am

[font=Tahoma]Police are warning all men who frequently visit clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.[/font]
[font=Tahoma]Many females use a date rape drug on the market called . Beer. The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in
bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".
[/font]
[font=Tahoma]Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.[/font]
[font=Tahoma]A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.[/font]
[font=Tahoma]Men are rendered helpless against this approach.[/font]
[font=Tahoma]At other times unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as a "relationship".[/font]
[font=Tahoma]In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and
punishment referred to as "marriage".
[/font]
[font=Tahoma]Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.[/font]
[font=Tahoma]Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this beer and the women administering it.there are[/font][font=Tahoma]male support groups here to discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like minded guys.[/font]
[font=Tahoma]For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.[/font]
12 YEARS 44 WEEKS SMOKE FREE

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topographic_drama1980
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Post: # 91584Post topographic_drama1980
Wed Oct 26, 2005 4:20 am

Did you hear about the gay whale? It bit off the end of a submarine and sucked out all the seamen! :D
Ascend and Create!

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