Help Me Out Here!!!

Feel like discussing other things with your YEStalk friends? Speak your mind in our off-topic YEStalk section.
Post Reply
User avatar
Coffee_&_Cigarettes
Veteran Member
Posts: 185
Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2005 10:51 pm

Help Me Out Here!!!

Post: # 106997Post Coffee_&_Cigarettes
Fri Apr 25, 2008 6:52 pm

I have two Half-Sisters, older than me.
One of them is going to get married this Saturday.
I´am in love with a Girl, Andrea, she´s adopted and her biological father has passed away a few years ago.
Now her Father is fighting a heart disease that could kill him, he nearly died last weekend and obviously she´s very stressed out and fragile.
She fears to loose a father again.
I´m on her side all the time, looking out for her and taking care of things.
This is at least what i can do, and still i feel i could do more.The pressure of this situation made me get sick, although i haven´t surrender my body to stress.
My sister calls me and says i´m expected at her wedding, which is ok since it´s a very important day for her.I´m no very fond of her or her husband, but i never said anything or complained about her choices in life.
In my view she is responsible enough to make her own judgements in life.
So i said to her i wouldn´t make it to the Wedding because of Andrea and her father´s condition, i said i wanted to be beside Andrea.
My sister goes berzerk and tells me i´m selfish and that Andrea would understand if i left her alone just to go to my sister wedding.
In short therms:
My sister thinks her big fancy wedding is more important than anything else in the world, and everybody should stop what they´re doing just to look at her and her stupid dildo-of-a-husband on this Saturday.
I got very angry at her on the phone and said that right now nothing is more important to me than the love of my life, and that i would never ever let her face alone this kind of situation, iven if it means not going to her wedding.
I also said to my sister that if she really loves her husband she would understand my behavior.
I´m wrong in anyway?
My heart doesn't say i´m wrong.
Please guys, say something, I really need Feedback on this!

User avatar
tardistraveler
Posts: 6904
Joined: Tue Apr 01, 2003 8:17 am
Location: Nashville, TN, USA.

Re: Help Me Out Here!!!

Post: # 106999Post tardistraveler
Fri Apr 25, 2008 7:32 pm

I take it the wedding isn't in the same town where you and Andrea are. Are you expected to be a part of the wedding party? In that case, it could cause your sister some problems to have someone missing at the last minute.

That's something to consider, but ultimately, you need to do what's in your heart. If you choose to not go to your sister's wedding, I'm sure in time she will understand that Andrea needed you on that day more than she did.

Best of luck to you making your decision . . . Good thoughts go out to you and Andrea, and her father . . . :)

yesman90125
Starship Trooper
Posts: 2764
Joined: Sat Feb 10, 2001 6:00 pm

Re: Help Me Out Here!!!

Post: # 107026Post yesman90125
Fri Apr 25, 2008 10:55 pm

It's really a tough situation..
I can see that what you want to do is to be with your Friend (or whatever she is).Friendship is Damn important-especially if you have these feelings for her-even more especially since she is going through this rough Period in her life and you clearly want to be there for her..
Having said that, Someones a wedding is a rather important time in a womans life.
While I do think your sister should have some empathy for you and your circumstances.
You probably also should have some empathy for your sister wanting her brother to be present at her wedding.
I suppose the fact that your not very close to your sister and dislike her husband to be plays a role.
Surely in the Grand scheme of things . taking the information you have given into consideration.
My decision would be
first
to make some attempt
Or at least appear to make some attempt to try to make an appearance
at the wedding if you can.
show up for the ceremony and then head back to your friend..
if that is impracticle.
then just do your best to explain to your sister the situation
and expect that it will probably further sour your relationship with her.
since your not that close anyway maybe that doesn't matter to you-but since she(your sister) is making a big deal about you being at the wedding.
Maybe she cares more for you than you do for her-under those circumstances Perhaps making some concession about the wedding could bring you 2 closer together.
in any case I don't think I have enough information to tell you what to do.
I can see what you would prefer to do
but in the interest of family unity Maybe you have to show up for the wedding-
Ideally you could balence both situations
by making a Brief appearance for the couple of hours for the wedding and then getting back to your friend as soon as you can
hopefully nothing will change during the time you are away from your friend.
however
should her Father's condition worsen or should he Pass while you are gone. You might feel bad for not having been there.
I think ,however, your Friend Is more likely to understand the situation then your sister will.

whatever happens
It Is nice to see you here again!!
good Luck thats a very difficult decission!!
Let us know how things work out
And Visit more often!!!

YesFan01
Active Member
Posts: 90
Joined: Sat Oct 14, 2006 2:26 am
Location: Philadelphia Suburbs

Re: Help Me Out Here!!!

Post: # 107038Post YesFan01
Sat Apr 26, 2008 11:57 am

I agree with YesMan - this is a tough one indeed and I'm sure hard for you. Either decision is not a winner here; however I also think you should go to the wedding for a bit...do you have a cell phone? You could be called if there was a problem with your love's Dad...and leave if it was necessary. Although I strongly believe your wife/husband/lover comes first throughout your life, your family is very important, and unlike some relationships, they are your family forever, if you know what I mean! You go to the wedding, go to the reception or party for an hour or so, and politely leave, since they are all aware that you have a situation and will understand. If you feel that going would not be understood by your love, you should be concerned about that. Why did your sister suggest she is being selfish? Have there been other issues in the past? Certainly, I would understand my husband's position if I were in the same shoes. In the end, you know it is your decision, and I've a feeling you've already decided not to go and you're looking for confirmation. You know the situation best, I'm only telling you my feelings from what I know. I don't see why you couldn't do both.....honor your sister for 2 hours or so, and spend the day with your love who is upset and needs you. Good luck with the situation, and remember, ultimately you know best.....

sound_chaser
Posts: 1516
Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2001 5:00 pm
Location: The Light Side.

Re: Help Me Out Here!!!

Post: # 107039Post sound_chaser
Sat Apr 26, 2008 2:43 pm

My choice would be to stay by my woman's side, but, a word of warning: you should be prepared to be cut off by your sister, as well as possibly other members of your family: and that could be for a long, long time. If you can live with that, then live with the consequences and do what your heart tells you.

User avatar
Coffee_&_Cigarettes
Veteran Member
Posts: 185
Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2005 10:51 pm

Re: Help Me Out Here!!!

Post: # 107050Post Coffee_&_Cigarettes
Sat Apr 26, 2008 8:18 pm

sound_chaser wrote:My choice would be to stay by my woman's side, but, a word of warning: you should be prepared to be cut off by your sister, as well as possibly other members of your family: and that could be for a long, long time. If you can live with that, then live with the consequences and do what your heart tells you.


Andrea is the first "real" relationship in years for me, we met 4 years ago and she´s the first girlfriend i´m deeply in love with.I had some bad relationships in the past and learned from those experiences.
With Andrea is different, we understand each other, we have overcome the first year of relationships phase I dont care if she has flaws, i love her for the she is.
Perfection is a illusion.

My sister and I have a history of fighting and not understanding each other.I don´t hate her or anything, i just can´t see things from her selfish point of view.
She poses a s a figure of authority, and i have serious problems with proponent people.
We weren´t raised together since my father divorced her mother before i was iven born.
She keeps asking me to accept her, and believe me I do!I accept everyone for who they are, but my love is not for sale.
She has made me feel terrible for years, played with my feelings when i was younger, trying to make me hate my mother for "stealing our father" from her.I grew up all fucked up in the head with that.
I was only a child when i heard those things.
But now that i´m 21 i have come to understand my family better, and noticed her relationship with me is so vicious because she´s very insecure about her self, the same way i was younger.
I really understand and respect her feelings but i do not share them or her perspective.
I´m no Catholic, Although i was raised in a very catholic environment, i do forgive her but that doesn´t erase what she did to me.
My wounds are still sored.

yesman90125
Starship Trooper
Posts: 2764
Joined: Sat Feb 10, 2001 6:00 pm

Re: Help Me Out Here!!!

Post: # 107057Post yesman90125
Sat Apr 26, 2008 10:51 pm

I've been through that "extended family" kind of stuff myself
I have 4 half brothers and 1 half sister
adoption and divorces and all sorts of things like that
it does play with your head somewhat
as long as you know who you are inside all the rest is cool
Siblings are often very good with Guilt trips and all that
your young man
it all works itself out in time

sound_chaser
Posts: 1516
Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2001 5:00 pm
Location: The Light Side.

Re: Help Me Out Here!!!

Post: # 107059Post sound_chaser
Sat Apr 26, 2008 11:47 pm

Coffee_&_Cigarettes wrote:Andrea is the first "real" relationship in years for me, we met 4 years ago and she´s the first girlfriend i´m deeply in love with.I had some bad relationships in the past and learned from those experiences.
With Andrea is different, we understand each other, we have overcome the first year of relationships phase I dont care if she has flaws, i love her for the she is.
Perfection is a illusion.

My sister and I have a history of fighting and not understanding each other.I don´t hate her or anything, i just can´t see things from her selfish point of view.
She poses a s a figure of authority, and i have serious problems with proponent people.
We weren´t raised together since my father divorced her mother before i was iven born.
She keeps asking me to accept her, and believe me I do!I accept everyone for who they are, but my love is not for sale.
She has made me feel terrible for years, played with my feelings when i was younger, trying to make me hate my mother for "stealing our father" from her.I grew up all fucked up in the head with that.
I was only a child when i heard those things.
But now that i´m 21 i have come to understand my family better, and noticed her relationship with me is so vicious because she´s very insecure about her self, the same way i was younger.
I really understand and respect her feelings but i do not share them or her perspective.
I´m no Catholic, Although i was raised in a very catholic environment, i do forgive her but that doesn´t erase what she did to me.
My wounds are still sored.


I’m fifty years old now and it took me a long time to sort out the shit that was going on in my family: far too much to go into, but not much different from so many other people. I have recently turned my back on my two brothers, because I’m not prepared to keep living in the past of the difficult childhood I had. I got married at eighteen and had a lovely family of my own. My life didn’t really begin until I left home. I have absolutely no regrets about starting over again and neither should you: do what you know is right in your heart: your wounds will heal.

yesman90125
Starship Trooper
Posts: 2764
Joined: Sat Feb 10, 2001 6:00 pm

Re: Help Me Out Here!!!

Post: # 107063Post yesman90125
Sun Apr 27, 2008 12:27 am

Yeah I'm 40 I left home at 16 myself
life did change for the better
I've been married 24 years now
(you can do the math)
My Parents and Grandparents and all of them are all gone.
I have a brother that enjoys his Booze more than his family
but he's allways around to lay the bullshit on heavy when he can
now he's dying of liver failure at 48 and I really dont know him anymore.
I dont bother to call him on his birthday or see him in the hospitol or anything
and frankly I don't feel very bad about that
some people are just not worth the trouble
my relationship with my other Brothers is sort of strained too.
bottom line is
I have my own kids
my own life
and my own considerations
they all take President over the bullshit of my childhood
if Andrea is "THE ONE" then
I'd Say Put your heart there
and let you sister do what she will.
you can be nice about it
and you can leave the doors open for future contact and all that
and let her decide her Prioraties.

User avatar
Coffee_&_Cigarettes
Veteran Member
Posts: 185
Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2005 10:51 pm

Re: Help Me Out Here!!!

Post: # 107070Post Coffee_&_Cigarettes
Sun Apr 27, 2008 2:57 am

yesman90125 wrote:Yeah I'm 40 I left home at 16 myself
life did change for the better
I've been married 24 years now
(you can do the math)
My Parents and Grandparents and all of them are all gone.
I have a brother that enjoys his Booze more than his family
but he's allways around to lay the bullshit on heavy when he can
now he's dying of liver failure at 48 and I really dont know him anymore.
I dont bother to call him on his birthday or see him in the hospitol or anything
and frankly I don't feel very bad about that
some people are just not worth the trouble
my relationship with my other Brothers is sort of strained too.
bottom line is
I have my own kids
my own life
and my own considerations
they all take President over the bullshit of my childhood
if Andrea is "THE ONE" then
I'd Say Put your heart there
and let you sister do what she will.
you can be nice about it
and you can leave the doors open for future contact and all that
and let her decide her Prioraties.


I didn´t go to the Wedding!
Andrea´s father went to some surgery and is resting now, turns out they could solve his heart disease.
She´s more relaxed now and is sleeping, looks like the worst is over and now peace and balance will rule once again.
As to my sister, she is pissed off, but that´s classic.
I´m not bothered by that anymore.
we don´t know what the future holds...

Thanks to all of you for the support! :)
Thank you yesman90125 for the help!

yesman90125
Starship Trooper
Posts: 2764
Joined: Sat Feb 10, 2001 6:00 pm

Re: Help Me Out Here!!!

Post: # 107073Post yesman90125
Sun Apr 27, 2008 3:17 am

as we say around here
"Good On Ya"

User avatar
Greenglade's Frog
Starship Trooper
Posts: 1908
Joined: Mon Jun 21, 2004 5:00 pm
Location: California, on the Edge of the Continent

Re: Help Me Out Here!!!

Post: # 107074Post Greenglade's Frog
Sun Apr 27, 2008 3:48 am

Just do what you think is right. It is a persistent and small voice called intuition
[CENTER][SIGPIC][/SIGPIC][/CENTER]

User avatar
tardistraveler
Posts: 6904
Joined: Tue Apr 01, 2003 8:17 am
Location: Nashville, TN, USA.

Re: Help Me Out Here!!!

Post: # 107097Post tardistraveler
Sun Apr 27, 2008 10:22 pm

I imagine there will be other opportunities to heal things with your sister . . . perhaps you can try to get together with her after Andrea's dad is better.

And I'm happy to hear the surgery was successful . . . :)

Post Reply